Among the Stars [Frerard]

Chapter 10: Insecurity

Frank kept replaying the memory in his head. Seeing his boyfriends shocked and most likely disgusted face when he walked in on Frank changing his trousers. Gerard had just stood there in complete shock, eyeing his boyfriends mutilated body. Red stripes littered his thighs. Frank had freaked out, he didn't want anyone to ever see that part of him. He couldn't let others know just how weak he is.

Quickly he bolted out of the room. Pushing past his boyfriend who just looked at him in disbelief. Frank had to get away from this. Surely Gerard wouldn't want to date a freak, right? Frank cursed himself for being so stupid. He should have locked the door.

He really just felt like crying, to let everything out, but he couldn't, he didn't want to feel so weak and vulnerable again. He wasn't sure where he was going and how he would face his boyfriend again. Who would want to be with someone who had self hatred spilled out onto their body? Surely Gerard wouldn't. Thankfully, the newer marks had been covered by his boxers and he could just lie and say he did it when he was younger and stupid. Not that that would make the situation much better. The fact that he had done it in the past was still insanely evident and it wasn't just a couple white marks- it was dozens of red and purple scar marks covering the older faded ones.

Frank ran out of the house, he managed to reached the corner of a street before he sank down to the floor and started crying. It was only a couple tears that spilled down his face but it still made him feel weak. The amount of times he had cried in the last week was ridiculous at best, but mainly pathetic. This once again was, to him, even more proof for what a failure he is.

However, Frank quickly got up from the floor because someone might see him there. And quite frankly, that made him insanely anxious. What if someone where to talk to him, or look at him strangely? He immediately wiped the tears from his eyes and speed walked - not ran, because that might look embarrassing - to his house. He went into his room and locked the door, he wasn't sure how to feel. Relieved maybe? Because now his secret had been lifted and he no longer had to hide it. Sad? Because his boyfriend may break up with him for the same reason. In the end he just settled for getting into bed and feel sorry for himself. He quickly got bored of staring at the wall and contemplating just how shit everything is and took out his phone.

He immediately saw that he had a couple messages and missed calls from said boyfriend, not that he had another.

Gee<3: Where are you? x

Gee<3: Please answer my calls. x

Gee<3: I'm not judging you, I would never do that. Please just answer me, I need to talk to you about this. x

Gee<3: You mean so much to me this doesn't change anything. x

Gee<3: I'm sorry I just stared and didn't say anything Frankie, I was just shocked. Please just answer my calls. You mean so much to me. x

Frank read the messages and his eyes started welling up. He wasn't going to cry, but it sure as hell made him emotional. He felt anxious about calling Gerard, he couldn't really talk to people on the phone. It made this intense feeling of anxiety build up in his chest and he would just want to escape. Live a non existent life, if that's even something that is possible. He would love to lead an existence where he could still see the world around him in a way - but not be involved in it himself. Sort of like watching a movie instead of having your own story. He just didn't want these feelings anymore. Or this kind of life with these mental illnesses that made him feel like he was unable to function in this world. For example, someone else may have just called back Gerard or texted him or not even bolted. However Frank was now sitting upright in his bed clutching his phone with his hands and his legs pulled up to his chest. He hated himself for just leaving his boyfriend but he also didn't want to stay there. He wanted to text his boyfriend back but he was in fear that he might call him and afraid of what the next conversation would bring in the first place. It may be a simple situation to others, but to him it was crippling. He decided it would be easier to just text him. It was the best option.

Frankie: Please don't apologise, you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry that I just ran away from you. This is all my fault I should have just locked the door.

Frank checked the message a billion times over in his head, just to make sure he didn't unnecessarily embarrass himself. He finally pressed send after a couple minutes of contemplation and almost immediately received a reply. As if Gerard had been sitting by his phone waiting for his text.

Gee<3: No, don't say that. I would have found out at some point anyway. Please come back to my place? xx

Frankie: uhm okay x

His heart immediately started beating loudly in his chest again. If there was anything he truly hated, it was confrontation. Talk about the most anxiety provoking situation you could be in, it's just horrendous. The atmosphere, the reluctance to say certain things and generally just how awkward it can get. Frank reluctantly got up and headed back out of his house, but not before checking he looked presentable. He walked out onto the pavement and immediately felt on edge. Cars could always watch you, judge you. He started fixing his hair every few seconds and straightening out his clothes and picking any dust or fluff off of it. Suddenly he became very aware of how he walked, held his head, his hands fell against his sides, how inverted his feet were and of his facial expression. The anxiety was back at full blast and he checked he looked normal in glance of his reflection he could get. He matched his pace to those who were around him so that he didn't stand out. He pulled out his phone and pretended to be doing something because well he didn't know how else to cope or look normal. This was his daily struggle of anxiety.

Fully escaping anxiety is near to impossible. Even alone at 2am in your room with only music and the silence of the world being asleep you constantly feel the anxiety that the next day or even year might bring. Say you have a presentation in 4 weeks time, and every day the anxiety grows in you. Every time you think of it you just want to escape and stop existing- that is the reality for the sufferers of social anxiety. It's constantly with you.

Quickening his pace a bit he went round a corner and reached his - maybe if he didn't break up with him because of his own self hatred - boyfriends house. He slowed his pace and walked up the steps leading to the door agonisingly slowly. Of course by now his heartbeat felt like it may be audible to the whole world because of how strongly it was beating. He was about to raise his hand to knock on the door when the door flung open and a red faced Gerard wrapped him in a tight hug. Had Gerard been crying because of him? No, of course not why should he even do that. The embrace felt safe and secure and he never wanted to let go again. However the taller one of the two seemed to have other ideas, he pulled away and looked the other directly into his eyes. Gerard had never really observed his boyfriends eyes in this way, they were truly mesmerising and he felt lost and bound at the same time whilst gazing into them. His eyes felt like a peaceful collisional of a million stars, now thinking about it regarding his eye colour it didn't really make sense. But to Gerard it made more sense than the electronical-device in front of you at this very moment. However he recollected himself from what is the beautiful minefield of stars in Frank Ieros eyes and got back to the topic at hand. He pulled Frank into his room and sat him down on the bed.

"So, we need to discuss this," he sighed. Franks heart sped up to an unhealthily high number and he tried to mentally prepare himself for the conversation that was about to happen, but he really really didn't want to have.