Among the Stars [Frerard]

Chapter 19: Oh Ok

The next few days were a haze and Frank began to question if he really had survived his messy attempt to end his life, because to him it sure as hell didn't feel like he was living. 

After a couple days he was dismissed from the hospital but not without the doctors 'strongly recommending' to see a therapist regularly. Which really meant: 'We're forcing you to see a therapist but want to make it seem like you have any sort of control over your life by wording this demand as a recommendation'. So he started going to therapy. His therapist was a woman in her late twenties by the name of Melanie. She was sweet and never forced Frank to talk if he didn't want to. Often times he would sit there whilst she chattered away about what had been happening in her life lately. However he had noted that she would shy away from serious or upsetting topics. Frank presumed that she did this to not obviously point out the negative in the world but to instead throw the positive into the spotlight.

After much debate between his parents, therapist and school, they decided that the school would only let him return after he showed signs of improvement. Not because they cared, but because they didn't want to be held responsible if something were to happen to him within the school grounds. 

And he didn't blame them, he didn't trust himself either.

Franks parents constantly kept watch on him. They were always knocking on his door every ten minutes to see if he was still alive. Since he had gotten back from the hospital the relationship with his parents had only depleted. They didn't understand what he was going through and the things they would say only upset him further. So he mostly hid away from his parents whilst they were left to contemplate why their 'happy' song had tried to off himself at what they deemed a young age. When really age had nothing to do with it, but that was beside the point.

To them he was over reacting. As they would say; so many people have it worse than you, you should feel lucky. And those words would do nothing other than drive knives into his heart. He knew they cared. They just couldn't understand that you don't need the worst problems in the world to be miserable. In fact all you need is a chemical imbalance causing you to feel miserable because that's all that's left within you; misery.

After all the concept isn't that hard to grasp. You cannot compare one reason to be happy to another. So why wouldn't the same rule apply to sadness? 

Frank truly wished they understood. He wished he could tell them that it was his mind. But he knew they wouldn't understand. As much as he loved them, they were too closed minded for such matters. His mother would just end up blaming herself for her failed parenting, if she wasn't already. Her low self esteem getting the better of her. That aggravated Frank to no end. She had no problem blaming herself for everything that was wrong but when it came to accepting her son had a mental illness, she refused.

His father on the other hand coped with this matter just like with any other. He masked his emotions with anger. Which sometimes lead Frank to believe that it was the only emotion he knew how to display, which probably wasn't too far from the truth. His father never showed his sadness or confusion, he would just get mad. Breaking objects, occasionally shoving or hitting his son. But the latter didn't happen often. As Frank would think, it was his fault -he shouldn't have provoked him.

And as for Gerard, he clung to Frank as if his boyfriend would disappear if he ever loosened his grip.

A week after he was released from the hospital his therapist made him fill out a form. Yes, a fucking form that would determine if he was depressed or not. Frank scoffed when they first told him that. As if a couple questions on a white sheet of paper could determine to what degree his head was messed up. It occurred to him how easy it would be to lie but he didn't. He was going to try to get better. He owed Gerard that much. When the 'results' came back it was very clear. Because woah, no fucking shit, he has depression. Clinical depression to be exact. 

Frank was currently sat in his room cowering away. He was ashamed and afraid. His parents knew pretty much everything now. They knew he self harmed but they hadn't mentioned anything about it to him. Just thinking about the future confrontation made his chest tighten and he sucked in his breath.

Just then his phone went off, it was a text from Gerard saying he would be coming over in 10 minutes. Frank made no attempt to freshen up or even move. He simply let his thoughts wash over him and within no time he felt himself snapping out of his daze them when the door opened and Gerard walked in. 

"Hey," he offered and gave a slight smile. Frank got up from his bed and walked right into his boyfriends loving arms. Only pulling away to place a feather light kiss onto his soft lips. He savoured the feeling that rushed through his body. Because in all honesty, he had never expected Gerard to stay. 

"Hey," Frank whispered against his lips and a smile spread across his lips. 

"How are you doing? I spoke to your parents and they said you haven't left your room today at all." Gerard pulled Frank over to the bed and they sat down opposite each other with their fingers intertwined. "I'm fine, was just feeling too lazy to get out of bed." Frank shrugged. Gerard sighed in response, "Frankie.. tell me how you're really feeling. There's no point in lying to me."

"I'm not lying. I mean this, I'm okay." Gerard sighed again and pulled Frank to his side, draping an arm across his waist. "You know we kind of have to talk about this at some point," Gerard explained, "I-,  I just don't know what to do to help you- y'know like, I want you to get better and I want you to be happy." Frank cuddled closer to Gerard. "It's not your job to make me better. I have a therapist and they're talking about putting me on meds, I don't need you to act differently around me or treat me in a special way. I need this to be how it was before all this shit went down. This is the only thing in my life that's still normal."

And they left it at that. Because Gerard knew Frank was right. He couldn't save him. As much as he wished he could. It wasn't his job to do so. He knew he had to get better by himself. All he could really do was support him and make sure that he didn't do anything terrible to himself.. again. But he couldn't always be with him. Gerard couldn't constantly keep watch over Frank. And god, did he hate that revelation. 

All he wanted to do was cuddle him close and never let go.

But that was terribly unrealistic, and as Frank lay cuddled closer to him and sighed contently he became aware that this was so temporary. That it was very possible things wouldn't last. After all it was the most unrealistic to believe that they would stay together throughout school and eventually marry. 

But right now, he wanted to believe the teenage lies and permanence of his current life. He wanted them to last. They gave him a sick sense of reassurance. Completely false reassurance. But reassurance nevertheless. And maybe that wasn't such a bad thing for either of them because before Frank he was simply existing. Now he was living, and that was possibly the best thing that had happened to him in a long time. Gerards life was monotonous, prior to the short boy meeting him on that fateful day in the most unlikely of places. It would be a complete lie to say that Gerard hadn't expected his whole life to be monotonous. He had always expected it to be like that. But now it wasn't. And he was more sure than ever that it was a good thing. 

His heart had been a blank canvas, now stained with the beautiful spectrum of colours Frank had left on it when he first touched it.

Maybe that was the real beauty of love. Impermanence and all. Love is beautiful and torturous. He was simply glad that he was seeing the better side of love for the moment.

Because right now love felt as simple and as complex as the night sky its self.

A/N: I kinda like this but it's a mess????

I have a crush on this girl but idk IDK. I know she's bi so I guess there's a chance. Ugh I just really like her and I've known her for a week. The first time I saw her I thought: Damn, she looks so cool and beautiful and ohmygod she's so cute and funny.