The sadness that I live in

Cut

Hey...so, this I'd kind of an A/N, but I just...I just need to say that lately I've had the urge to...cut....myself...I know I shouldn't, which is why I haven't, but I've been so depressed lately and it seems to be the only way I can release the pain...I have therapy tomorrow, and I'm pissed at my teacher. At the beginning of the school year, I got depressed, and so my math grades fell behind. And, I've never told my teacher why, and I never will, but she thinks it's because I'm either trying to be a 'badass' or, 'like my siblings'. Her words too. It's fucking bullshit. The only thing that's kept me going, that's kept me from hurting myself, is my mom, and my friends....that's it. Cause I believe the only reason I'm in this god forsaken life is because I need to be there for my friends, and I need to be there for my mom. I'm tired, yea, but I have to be there for them...it's like my job. And, tomorrow my sister has court too, and she might get sent away. And, she's still treating me like shit...I just realized something. She has no right to treat me like shit. When she was in treatment for about 2 months, every time we could visit her I went, and I only missed one time to visit her. And I cried myself to sleep about every night cause I missed her. Yet she still treats me like I'm nothing, like she doesn't give a shit about me, like she's in charge. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the stress, the insomnia, the friend drama, the move problem, family problems, scar problems. I'm tired. And no one seems to care or notice. I guess I just hide it too well. I hide it because I don't want them to be concerned about me, I don't want them to worry about me. One time, I was talking to one of my friends, Annie, and I almost cried. She was at my house, and it was in the middle of the night. We where talking about how one of my friends, Marco, was cutting, and what we could do to help. And I'm like, besides Marco, who do you think would be most likely to cut or is cutting? Or you are you concerned about cutting, or something like that. And she said that she's always been worried about me. Because of my fucked up life, she always kinda thought I was the one to be worried about. She wasn't being mean about. I cried because after she said that, I confessed to her and showed her my wrists. And you know what? The scars on my wrist are so fucking small compared to most people, that I feel like a sorry excuse for someone who was depressed. Because they normally used knifes or razors. Know what I used? A fingernail cleaner, and a pencil. A damn pencil.   If you look above, you'll see how damn small they are. Plus I have one on my ankle, and one on my thigh, the same, small, pathetic size. I feel so worthless, so dumb. No I don't know what to do anymore. Do I keep fighting, or do I finally give up? Thanks for reading my dumbass rant, if you even did.