The Creation (Book III)

(24) Present: 2024

                                                                                     (24) Present: 2024

Furious or broken didn't begin to describe what I was feeling. I ran through the snow with my hands clenched into fists and my teeth grinding loud enough to hear. Tears continued to drip down endlessly. I wanted to scream and punch something. Another part, the part that wasn't filled with fury, was telling me something so unbelievably painful, I nearly clenched my heart and let out a sob.

He's always going to be this way. He'll always abuse you.

I knew Xavier was screwed up. I've always known he wasn't someone I could fully trust. I'm not ignorant of the abuse he's done to me. I've always, always known I shouldn't be with him. I've always known I deserved better than him. It shouldn't matter how much he loved me or how much I loved him; it shouldn't matter what we've done for each other. When I ran from him back in 2003, I was screwed up myself because of his abuse. For the years we had spent apart, I was a wreck because I didn't know how to live without him. I wasn't used to being alone or making my own decisions. In fact, I met Joanna in a bar drunk during my years away from Xavier, though I didn't know her as Joanna at the time. All I knew was how to run from him.

And then we were reunited.

When I realized I loved Xavier, I think the intoxicating world wind of our love made me blind to what he was capable of. He still ordered me around; he still abused me. But I loved him and I accepted that part of him thinking how I, myself, had flaws as well. All I knew was I loved him and he definitely loved me, and it was enough. It didn't matter he shouted at me, invaded my privacy, or nearly raped me at one point. I loved him.

And then he died.

Sort of. His death broke me in another way. Once more I was lost and had no clue how to live without him. I've spent nearly a hundred years with him telling me how to live, only to have him taken away. I was forced to live a brand new life where I had to figure out where to settle down and live, my likes and dislikes, and what type of life I wanted. Having Joanna with me most of the time helped during the darkest times when I was close to joining Xavier. In a way, Joanna's stern voice and her constant strength to not stop living changed me. As screwed up as her relationship with Matthew has been over the past several years, Joanna never lost herself in the process of loving Matthew. Joanna left Matthew when he broke her heart and didn't stay simply because she loved him; she left. Why have I been doing it? Why have I been so forgiving?

I've been a fool.

Spending twelve years alone made me realize this. I shouldn't let someone have any power over me, even if the person in control was someone I loved with all of my heart. Xavier wasn't a different man; he hasn't changed.

I deserve better.

I was snubbing by the time I reached the house because I knew what I had to do. It was like having him die all over again. My twelve years of misery was for nothing, and once more I was rocked with despair. I couldn't go through another century of him shouting at me or killing men who spoke to me.

Getting on my knees, I reached under the bed and snatched the suitcase, throwing it on the bed with a rage like no other. Immediately I began to throw my clothes inside while I tossed Xavier's clothes in the corner of the room. He might be dead right now, I thought as I began throwing in the last few pieces of clothing into the suitcase. Whether Xavier had killed Liam or Liam had killed Xavier, Xavier is dead either way. I'll just have to spend another decade grieving over him.

I yanked the suitcase off the bed and headed back towards the door. Surely Joanna or Matthew would let me use one of the cars, right? I'd just have to drive to New York because the sun will be up within the next few hours and their cars are equipped for that. That was the plan, at least.