The Journey of a Muslimah

Chapter 10

*Edited*
*Adam's pov*
I didn't have the guts to look her in the eye when I told her the news. I was still looking at the floor when I heard sobs. I looked up and saw her shaking like crazy. She was crying so hard her niqab was wet and was getting stuck to her face. She looked as if she couldn't breath.

"Sarah" I yelled in horror. What is happening to her. I then realized she was having a panic attack. My mom used to get these when I was a kid. But I've never seen one so sever. I immediately got to my knees and sat in front of her. "Sarah breath. Inhale- exhale" I said while holding her gloved hands. She didn't try to get out of my grip. Instead she held onto my hands as if her life was depending on it. I got up and ran to get some water. When I came back she was leaning back on the wall still unable to breath. "Sarah, here, drink some water." I said while passing her the bottle. Her hands were still shaking so I held the bottle for her while she lifted her niqab slightly. I lowered my gaze as I did not want to disrespect her.

After she drank some water she was breathing a little better but still shaking. "I'm going to go call a doctor." I said while getting up but was stopped when she held my hand. "Pl-please d-don't go." She said in a shaky voice. "Okay." I said while sitting down next to her. I kept her gloved hands in mine drawing circles on the back of them to sooth her down. After sitting there for a good 15 minutes she finally stopped shaking. I looked to her and her eyes were closed. "I want to see her. Can you please take me to her." She said with her eyes still closed. "Yeah. Come on." I said while getting up. She left my hands and I suddenly felt so cold, a shiver ran through me. I gave her a small smile and leaded her to Asma Auntie's room.
------------------------------------------
*Sarah's pov*
After the whole panic episode I sat there with Adam by my side. He sat with me for a good 15 minutes holding my hands, drawing circles on the back of them. It felt so good and I didn't want to let go. It felt so right. I know Allah won't be pleased with what I was doing, but I needed someone to hold on to. I needed to know that I was not alone. That I had someone by me, that would never let me go. And Adam made me feel like that. He made me feel complete, as if everything will be okay.

When I used to get panic attacks before, I would usually sit in my room, in a corner and cry. I would cry on hours on end and Khala would never come. She would think that I'm sleeping or something. But in reality I would be going through the worst hours of my life. I would sit and wait for death to consume me. I would crave for death. I wanted the suffering to end. I wanted to breath. But I couldn't. I would get an attack at least twice a week since my family died. But I never told anyone, because secretly I used wait for the attacks to kill me. I wanted to die. But I didn't. Alhamdulillah. When I got the attack this time, it lasted way shorter. That was because I had someone to hold me, to tell me everything was going to be alright.

"I want to see her. Can you please take me to her?" I asked Adam. "Yeah. Come on." He said while getting up. I finally left his hand and felt so cold. I felt like I was alone again. But Adam gave me a small smile, and it took all the thoughts away.