"Hello?" Pt. 1

January 2nd, 2016

"Speak."

"Is that how you usually answer a telephone call?"

"Is that how you usually start a conversation?"

"No."

"Huh. Interesting because it's such a good opener. Who is this, by the way?"

"Daniel."

"Daniel?"

"Brother of Jesus."

"Ah, that Daniel. What's up duck?"

"Duck? Never mind, don't answer that question. It'll just start another pointless tangent."

"Pity. I was looking forward to that. It would have been the highlight of my day. I guess I'll just have to settle for this conversation instead."

"Please don't be sarcastic. It's unbecoming." 

"Says you. Why are you calling me at nine fifteen pm?"

"I was talking with my friend, Elias, this evening and he tells me that I've behaved in a less than gentlemanly way. Therefore, I would like to extend my deepest apologies and hope that you forgive me for my previous actions."

"Which in particular? The one where you called me and accused me of cheating on you when I've never met you, let alone dated you. Or are we talking about last night when you rang and said that you were apologising but you never actually said sorry?"

"Begrudgingly, I'm apologising for both."

"Begrudgingly? That sound to me like you don't really mean this apology."

"Well, I'm definitely apologising for the drunken one am phone call. Last night, however, was your fault. In fact, you should be the one saying sorry to me."

"Have you ever had to apologise to anyone before? I feel like you haven't because you're going the wrong way about it."

"It's a rare occurrence. I'm usually right."

"Doubtful. You just haven't met someone brave enough to stand up to you and tell you that you're wrong."

"You're wrong."

"Well, luckily for you, you have me now, Brother of Jesus."

"My name is Daniel. I don't see how that's hard to understand. Daniel! Dan-ee-el. Daniel. Not Brother of Jesus."

"So-phee. Sophie."

"Excuse me?"

"That's my name. You've probably been secretly calling me 'That Bitch' behind my back, but that's only my middle name. My first name- the one my bloody mother insists on calling me- is Sophie."

"I feel like this is a trap. By the way, I never called you 'That Bitch.' It was actually 'That Smart Mouth.'"

"How insulting. I think I like 'That Bitch' better."

"I'm sure."

"..."

"Oh, Christ. We've gone on another tangent. For crying out loud. I telephoned to apologise but nothing is simple with you, is it, Sophie?"

"Haha. Nope. You know, you're so easy to wind up, Daniel. This could be my new 2016 hobby."

"Dare I ask who you tortured last year with your 2015 hobby?"

"My karate instructor."

"Karate? I don't believe you."

"You'll just have to take my word for it."

"I suppose I will. Well, I- uh- have you accepted my apology?"

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"That's your reaction? I said I was sorry and you're brushing it off. Typical."

"I thank you unreservedly for your apology and accept it unequivocally. I grant you my forgiveness and extend an olive branch so that our future communications may progress smoother than our previous ones."

"That was- wordy."

"I'm a writer."

"Of what? You're not the PM's speechwriter, are you? Now, that I'd believe."

"I'm a fashion journalist with British Vogue, I'll have you know."

"With a vocabulary like that? Your talents are wasted."

"My University College, Oxford English degree comes in useful sometimes. Hold on- you think I'm talented?"

"You're not untalented, put it that way."

"Wait until you see what I can do with my tongue."

"Tong- whoa- wait- What exactly can you do with your tongue?"

"I can tie cherry knots. Why, where did your perverted mind go?"

"..."

"Oh! Get your head out of the gutter, mister!"

"I have a feeling that you take a sick pleasure in humiliating me."

"Like I said, you're just too easy to wind up."

"..."

"Was there anything else I could do for you tonight? I accepted your apology- twice- and I forgave you. So, are we done?"

"Thankfully, yes. Wait a second- what? Yes, I did. Yes, she said it was fine. Ok, I'll tell her now.- Sophie?"

"Yeah?"

"First of all, it's 'yes', not 'yeah.' As a writer, I thought that you'd know that. Perhaps your English degree from Oxford isn't as useful as you thought it was. Secondly, my friend, Elias, is saying 'hello.'"

"I'm taking back the olive branch. No olive branches for you."

"What did I do this time?"

"Think long and hard about it, Daniel, and call me tomorrow to apologise once more. In the meantime, tell Elias I also said 'hello.' Good night, Daniel."

"Fine. Good night, Sophie."