I think...

Chapter 7

I sit over the bathroom tap. No one is in here except for me- thank God for that. I splash my face with a little bit of water for who knows what reason. Why the hell did I come here again? Right. He told me to.  I walk over to a stall open the door, walk in and lock the door. I stand there for a second, just tang everything in. I just stand there staring at the door, eyes red and open, mouth closed shut. My mouth begins to quiver and it starts again. I break out into tears, but my body does not move. I do not make a sound. I just stand there, arms by my side, legs straight, tears streaming down my face like rivers flowing to an unknown destination. I hear someone walking. I close my mouth and try to muffle my breathes. 'Please don't realise I'm here, please.' I think to myself. This person washes their hands and leaves. Thank goodness. 

I don't know how long I was in that stall for. Maybe an hour maybe ten minutes. But all I know is that when I walked out the playground was empty. Not a single person was there. I took a deep breathe, felt my face to make sure it was dry, wiped my eyes and walked to the Admin office. I told the secretary that I felt sick, that I had just spent the last 20 or so minutes committing in the bathrooms. She sent me to the back of her office to sit and wait for someone to pick me up. After 5 tries at unsuccessfully trying to call my mum, she turned to me and said, "Looks like you can't get home love- You're welcome to stay here if you like though. That is, until homeroom." She smiled and I nodded- not being able to smile in return. 

I sit in the chair in the spare room behind her office. There is a glass window that separates us- that and a wall of boxes covering that window on my side. the door is closed and the blinds are shut. I feel like I am in jail- all by myself. No one here with me. I guess, in a way- this is like jail. I am trapped in a massive building with a bunch of people that are cruel and heartless yet forced to be here. yes, school is like jail, in a way. At least the work isn't that bad- for me. Yet I would rather that I fail my classes than have to go through all of these 'bullies' and all of this shit going on in my life. 

Heck, it is only my first term at this school and the bullying is starting up again. The therapist told my family and I that this would be for our own good- for my own good. they told us that if we moved to a new school it would be like we could put our family history behind us, put my bullies behind us, put MY problems behind us. I never believed a single word of it. How could moving schools take away my thoughts. the only way to get rid of them is to get rid of me. 

But. I can't . I can't get rid of me because that would hurt my family even more and I can't do that to them- not after all of the everything else I have caused. 

At least, once the bell rings today will be over. 

And then, we have tomorrow. 

And the next day.

'One day at a time,' I think.