Addiction // S.W (Complete)

Chapter Fourteen

I twisted my fingers nervously as I stood in front of Sam's door, Johnson was by my side and was trying to show his support all the way here but there was no settling my anxiety. I didn't know how to feel about seeing Sam, not after what happened the last time I saw him because I keep replaying how he looked with that anger in his eyes and it scares me so much. It scares me that I brought that out of him and I know it wasn't entirely my fault, it was the drugs too but it was still so real in my mind. I hadn't told Johnson properly about what happened, I told him we had an argument because of the drugs and that was it because I couldn't bear the thought of people thinking badly of him even though what he did was wrong. 

My fingers played with the hem of my shirt as I heard footsteps approaching the door and then it swings open and there he is. He looks an absolute wreck, almost as bad as he was when he was laid in bed for days on end and I can't stop myself from stepping forward and wrapping my arms around him. I pull him in close to me, holding him as tightly as I can as a way to show I'm there for him without actually having to say anything. When I eventually pull away from him, Johnson moves forward to hug him too except he speaks. "I wish you'd have told us, man. We could've helped you before it got this bad." He spoke sincerely and all Sam did was shrug his shoulders with a weak smile. He looks exhausted with bags under his red eyes and the way he moves make him appear so weak I'm sure he hasn't eaten since I left. Sam gestures for us to enter his apartment behind him and so we follow, going into his lounge and relaxing straight into his couch. "So..." Sam started as he sat down next to me, wrapping his arm around me and I can't help but flinch ever so slightly because now the rush of emotions I felt from seeing him had worn away and all that I'm getting is flashbacks from when I was back in this room with him. I think he senses my withdrawl, recoiling from me ever so slightly and I can't help but feel guilty except I don't feel as though I need to make it up to him, not yet at least.

"How long have you been on it?" Johnson asks, he's sitting across from the two of us and his eyes are judging Sam carefully. I'm suddenly glad that he was the only one I told because he's so wise and he cares about Sam so much, I don't think anyone else would have been able to just tackle the problem like this. "Uh, it's kind of like a blur but my guess is around seven or eight months." I take a deep breath in shock, that long? How had he gotten away with it so easily? I see a flash of regret wash over Johnson's face, almost like he's blaming himself for not noticing sooner but it's gone in a matter of moments and I can tell his mind is straight back on trying to help his friend. "And how long has it been since you last had some?" Sam chews his lip, I remember back to when he told me that even just a a day of going without it feels like one long drag of pain and depression crashing over him and I suppose that's why it's so hard for him to properly count his days. "Uh, well Harper left yesterday so yeah, yesterday. But it feels like longer because I haven't slept." He chuckles weakly, running his hands through his hair which is kind of greasy; this is so unlike him, normally he showers everyday because he's so proud of his appearance but this Sam isn't the Sam I first met. I still love him all the same but he's so ill now and I'd do literally anything to just take away his pain. "It's getting harder, before the shaking and insomnia and everything else didn't start until two or three days after - now it's only been a day and I'm a mess, I can't even eat without puking it back up." 

"You have to get help, Sammy. Proper help like professionals." Before Johnson is even finished speaking, Sam's shaking his head over and over again, repeating the word 'no' over everything he says. "Sam, shut the fuck up and listen to me!" He yells causing me to jump slightly and it quite clearly shocked Sam just as much because he shuts his mouth straight away without any kind of protest. "We get it, you're worried about your job and everything. Trust me, we understand but don't you think that maybe your job is what made you do it in the first place? You always go on about how much it stresses you out and maybe it's better now doing what you're doing but it's all the same line of work isn't it? You're too young for all this pressure." Sam shakes his head again at his words and I feel myself doing the same thing, yeah Johnson might be right about the stress driving him to this stuff but there is no way Sam will give up his job for this. I don't think there's anything he'd do that for, he loves it way too much to just throw it away. "I can't quit, Jack. I've worked so fucking hard, I'm not leaving because of this shit - it's already ruined my life enough." He tries to speak with a type of authority and firmness but his voice is so weak from all the things he's lacking that it doesn't carry the usual strength he usually displays. 

"I'm not saying you have to quit either. I'm saying you take some time off to get better, to get off this shit. Let's face it, would you rather take a leave of absence or get fired for doing shit wrong because you're too sick to do it properly?" Sam leans back into the sofa, rubbing his face with his hands and groaning in annoyance. "I've already taken too much time off." He mumbles and there's fear on his face, I know he's over-thinking because that's what he does but I don't know how to calm him down right now. "Uh, my dad said you could have as much time as you want. I can talk him round." Johnson throws me a look of thank you and from my words it's visibly clear that Sam is starting to calm down. I take that as a sign so keep speaking. "Baby, please get help. If not for yourself, please do it for me. I can't cope seeing you this way, it's killing me and I just want you to be okay again. I miss you." Those last three words come out as practically whisper and he looks at me so sadly. "I've not gone anywhere, I'm still me," He assures me and I nod because I know that but in a way it's not him; the real Sam wouldn't have done what he did last night. I hear him sigh. "Ok, I'll get help. But I still need you guys with me, I can't do it on my own." Johnson and I agree simultaneously but I can't stop the huge grin from developing on my face, I was finally going to get my Sammy back.