Tsunami Shorts (Kehlani One Shots)

Useless

She was physically attractive.
I'm not going to say pretty,
And I'm not going to say beautiful, because she wasn't.
She was just, physically attractive.
And I was undoubtedly in love with everything having to do with her.
But there was one problem, I was useless.
I never fit in anywhere. I went from Oakland to LA and nothing changed.
I was still the odd one out.
That one weird kid that everyone knew, but no one wanted to talk to.
I thought it would always be that way. 
I sat on my bathroom floor one night with an assortment of colorful pills in my lap.
I thought I should do it.
No one loved me.
Mother was dead.
Father was locked away.
The girls at the group home walked past me like I wasn't there, so why not?
Why not really be gone?
There would be no interruptions.
No one would try and save me.
I could go and visit grandma for good.
She was the only one who ever cared about me.
As I reached for a pill, a cold breeze swept the room.
Don't do it. I heard someone say.
Don't do it.
One more day.
Just one more day.
Tears gushed from my eyes.
I put the pills away.
I picked myself up off of the floor.
I crawled to my room.
My room was warm.
I felt safe in my bed.
I escaped into my dreams.
The only place I could fine solace for a short amount of time.
There were beautiful clouds, pure blue skys, and miles and miles of flowers that were so beautiful, they are virtually impossible to describe.
And there's always a figure of a woman standing and basking in the sunlight shinning down from the clouds.
She never turns around.
But, this night in particular, she turned around.
It was none other than the physically attractive India Westbrooks whom I was so deeply in love with.
We made eye contact, and she subtly smiled at me from a distance.
I awoke the next morning feeling different.
Feeling hopeful.
One more day.
Just one more day. Echoed through my head once again.
I put a bit more effort into my appearance today.
I felt lighter today.
Like I was walking on air.
I was in class, drifting off into my head,
When she sat beside me.
"Can I borrow a pen?" She whispered.
I gave her the pen, and she flashed her physically attractive smile and told me her name.
"Thanks, I'm India."
"I know." I said.
Everyone knows her.
For good reasons.
And a few bad reasons.
The only reason she talks to me in English now is because her friends are not with her in English.
It's truly just her and I.
It went from talking in English class, to her house working on projects.
And then she began taking me to parties.
I started to be seen as "cool."
I went from odd ball to a hot commodity.
I hated it.
Because I knew that I was truly and infinitely useless.
I knew people only me wanted because of my associates.
I stopped having my dreams because I know longer found solace in them.
Nothing felt real, accept the moments I spent alone with India.
There, in those moments, beauty seeped through her cracks.
Her wall momentarily goes down, and everything is real.
But, when the world is watching, nothing is real.
And nothingness fills her cracks.
And she is back to being physically attractive.
If she were truly beautiful, her light would always shine through.
And if her friends were truly friends, they could handle her light.
Like I can.
One rainy day, I told her I was in love with her.
She smiled at me.
She stroked my cheek.
She told me that I was her best friend.
She told me she didn't want to loose me.
But that night, after the party, she got drunk, and kissed me.
She told me she wanted to stay with me.
And never leave my side.
We held each other through the night.
And the next morning she was gone.
Why do I let her do this to me?
Treat me like I'm an associate in public, but a somewhat lover in private?
Have your walls up in public, but let your light shine on me in private?
No.
No more.
I finally felt like I deserved better, because I truly did.
I left her alone.
Hoping she would realize shinning her light for all to see would set her free, but she didn't.
She stayed locked behind her walls, with nothingness filling her cracks.
And I remained infinitely useless.
High school came and went.
India Westbrooks is gone now.
My dreams returned to me again, but this time I was in college.
And the India wasn't in my dreams anymore.
It was just me.
Laying in the flowers soaking up all the sun,
When I realized something,
I maybe infinitely useless,
But I am happy.
Truly happy.
I would rather be infinitely useless and happy by myself, than under appreciated with someone else.
When I found India, I was lost.
But after her, I was found.
I pray every night that she's okay.
And that she shines her light for all one day.
But she probably won't.
And that's okay.
Because some people are truly just physically attractive, and that's how it stays.
I am truly, happily, infinitely useless.
And that's how it's going to stay.