Fiction Friday: A Far-flung Blog Collection

After Grudges

Originally posted by Naz Dharmaraja, 1-8-16 on alexisdonkin.com blog

Grudges are a poisonous root.

I used to have the king of all grudges. I spent almost 80 years scheming and planning revenge only to – well, you know what happened.

I should have been locked up. Really. I deserved to be locked up or water-boarded or something. Seriously, I was scum.

I am scum.

I took all my dirt out on the world, and it ruined lives. It's different for us, because we know we come back, but still. It's not the same for humans. And this involved everyone. This affected everyone.

Now, on this side of the war, I'm embarrassed at how I acted – how nothing was beneath me. It still twists me up inside, just thinking about it. I do everything I can to avoid talking about my actions – my time. Lucky for me, Khloe doesn't require conversation about these things. She doesn't need my constant remorse or counseling over damages.

Others might. The government created structures for redress. Outwardly no one holds ill-will, but, how can they not? How can they not blame me – the whole rebel army – for what happened to Mac Darragh? To Mag Mell and Tir Tairngire? To all of Lemuria?

I deserve the most painful punishments.

And I didn't get them. Lugh, Khloe, Laran, the Council all could have chosen this, but it didn't happen.

I still don't understand why Khloe did what she did. I don't think it's possible for me now – maybe in a few centuries of contemplation I'll understand what leads someone to act the way she did. In the mean time, I'll stay in the background, quiet, listening, and watching. Maybe there is something left to salvage in this life. Maybe a few centuries of good acts can undo the bad of one.

Khloe must believe this.

Only time will tell if she's correct.