The Ones That Descend Into Misery

Own Secrets

"Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence."

~Dorothy Dix

***This chapter is dedicated to Shemar and any of his die-hard fans. While I'm heartbroken by his departure, I fully support his decision and wish him luck on whatever step in his life comes next, in hopes that maybe one day he'll return to Criminal Minds***

Spencer's eyes fluttered open and he was instantly greeted by the tightening feeling in his chest that he had woken up with for the past couple weeks. It gripped his heart and contorted it to the point where he nearly couldn't breathe. Reid knew it was some sort of anxiety that he should be taking medication for, but that was what he had done best lately: pushing off potentially serious situations hoping that they'd eventually dissolve by themselves. 

His first thought while looking up at the dark ceiling of JJ's spare room was that Evie was dead. This evolved to him feeling himself die inside and crave a fix. As Spencer's consciousness created that longing, obsessed sensation inside him, he began to push himself up on the bed. This shifted Spencer's gaze over to the other side of the bed where it was nicely made like it had perfectly remained for his stay at JJ's- it looked slept in, but no one was there. 

Spencer blinked stupidly, furrowing his brow. Wait a minute... he thought to himself, trying to put together the puzzle pieces of his dreams and what was actually real in the morning grogginess of his mind. Didn't... Didn't Evie...

"Evie?" he called out to the empty room, suddenly remembering the night before. All the sleep deprivation and Dilaudid was throwing his mind off lately. Spencer did remember now though. Even though last night had nearly felt like a dream, he was sure it wasn't. Then why wasn't she here?

"Evie?" he called out, a little more panicky this time. Fear gripped his chest. But what if it was a dream. Am I going so far off the deep end that I'm now confusing my illusions with reality?

Just before Spencer almost slipped out of bed to go search the house, there she was. Walking quickly into the room with her small figure and dark flowing hair with her brow furrowed in concern, Evie hurried to his side, a bit confused. 

"What, what's wrong?" she asked, looking up into his eyes seeming to sense his previous anxiety. Spencer let relief wash over him, even smiling a bit looking down at her in front of him. His chest was tightening with a new type of feeling: the nervous but excited kind that he got whenever he looked at her. Evie smiled a bit too, still looking puzzled. 

"I was just worried when you weren't here." Spencer admitted quietly, a bit embarrassed. Evie broke into a wider fond smile and reached her hand up to brush the side of his face. Spencer leaned his head into her touch and closed his eyes, letting her run her hands up through his hair and down to gently scratch the nape of his neck. Spencer wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to the bed between his legs, lying his head on her shoulder and holding her tight in his grasp. They stayed like this for a while, neither one wanting to be the first to break away. Evie did eventually speak up. 

"Mm... We need to get ready." 

"Why." mumbled Spencer. 

"We're going to the BAU, remember? Half of the team still thinks I'm dead."

Spencer slightly forgot about that. 

"Oh." 

Evie chuckled at his response. "Oh." she repeated, kissing the side of his head before pulling away and walking towards the bathroom. 

"Hurry up, if we want to leave with JJ we need to leave in 20."

Spencer sighed and kept his eyes on her, admiring just the small things she did like pin her hair back before washing her face and the way she wrinkled her nose when a strand that she missed brushed against her face. He didn't want to go anywhere. He'd be happy with just watching her forever. Although, he'd really be happy with anything just as long as she remained alive.