Every thing and Nothing

11: Silence

I wanted silence.
I wanted my mind to stop screaming at me.
So I stopped the screaming.
I stepped to the ledge.
I dragged the blade across my wrist.
I tied the rope around my neck.
I stuck my fingers down my throat.
I ripped out my soul.
I carved my heart out.
I stopped smiling.
I stayed under the water.
I wrote a note.
And then
I jumped.
I pushed the blade harder.
I stepped off the chair.
I let the bile overtake my throat.
I let my body bleed.
I let the pain continue.
I became quiet and crazy with only my mind as my only company.
I let my breathless body float up to the surface of the water.
I left the note where they could find it.

I stopped the voices in my mind telling me to kill myself. But to stop then I had to listen to them.
So I did.
So I will.
Maybe this is my note. But maybe it's not.
Maybe I'm smiling, maybe I'm not.
Maybe the blades are hiding beneath my tongue in the form of words.
Maybe the rope is curled around my throat tightening every time I breathe.

But I will be okay. One day I will say I made it. One day I will be better maybe that day is today

-Esha Dev