Every thing and Nothing

26: Okay

I'm not okay. No I'm not. After God knows how long, I'm sitting here, on the same bathroom floor, crying. And I don't even know why. I'm digging fingers into my sides because I can't relapse. Because I'm supposed to be okay again. I get that when you're young you are supposed to tease your siblings but what's the limit? What if they make you feel like crap, everything they do makes you angry, every teasing insult makes you want to cry. Is that the limit? When are you supposed to stop them? I'm not okay, and at this rate I don't think I ever will be. Friends think you are alright because you laughed today. Yeah, maybe I did, maybe there was a smile on my fucking face today, but that doesn't mean I'm okay. In fact I don't even remember the last time someone flipping hugged me and told me everything will be okay. I'm siting here on the bathroom floor, crying, because of what one of my sisters said to me, because what was my breaking point. I'm sitting here on the bathroom floor, crying, trying not to find a blade because I'm supposed to be better than that. I'm sitting here, on the bathroom floor, crying, trying to muffle my sniffles and trying to calm myself and the queasy feeling in my stomach. I'm trying not to scream and sob and I can't help but feel like crap.

I'm not okay, and at the rate that this is going, I don't know if I every will be.

-Esha Dev