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FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30
5:02pm, laying in my hammock in my tambo
I came back to Otillia's property in the middle of the day feeling like shit. There is only one person to blame: me. I ate a ton of crappy food yesterday. I blew it; I couldn't help myself; I caved in. The incessant nagging of my vices finally got the better of me.
I started by getting the ice cold Coca-Cola I have been fantasizing about. The place where I wanted to get a smoothie was closed, so I went next door because I needed a cold drink. The first sign I was making a bad decision should have been that the store only sold Coke in plastic bottles. Everyone knows plastic bottles are inferior to glass, but I already made the decision to drink a Coke and even in a plastic bottle, it was delicious.
The instant I tossed the empty bottle in the trash can I knew that I'd failed myself and the diet. But I figured that once you've failed, there's no harm in failing some more, so I walked over to get a proper meal at the Karma Cafe. When the waitress came over to me, I couldn't order fast enough. I wanted what's been making me salivate every time I saw someone order it: the tuna sandwich, and of course, another Coca-Cola.
I must have looked like I hadn't eaten in a month, and it's true, not like this at least. But I didn't stop there: after lunch I got an ice cream cone and another Coke. This time, I found where they sold it in a glass bottle and I walked back to Alfert's to enjoy some Spanish TV in my room.
It wasn't until I got back and lay down in bed that I started to feel sick. I sat up with a well-known feeling in my gut and walked over to the open window to empty my entire lunch, and even some of my breakfast, onto the hill beneath me. It splashed onto the muddy grass, sounding like someone had tossed out a bucket of water.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway—I must make better choices about what I eat. I won't always be fed the limited diet my body has become accustomed to at Otillia's. There is no one else to blame but myself. Joshua even warned me that I need to remember my body is more sensitive right now. It is as close to being pure as was when I was a young child and I'm not used to eating the kind of crap that I used to eat anymore.
Other than that step back with the food breakdown, life is wonderful right now. My stomach feels a little shitty, but I'm excited about tonight and my final Ayahuasca ceremony.
What a prolific month I've had. Now that my journey is ending, everything I've experienced so far seems tied together.
There is so much rawness inside of me, a newness which is still settling in. I feel free now. I have seen the most painful parts of myself for what they are and I have the strength to face any part of them. Now I know that without any doubts.
For my last ceremony tonight, I'll be happy with whatever outcome I get, but my intention is for peace within. Ayahuasca heals and operates at a level I don't quite comprehend, and I probably never will. I hope this final experience will fill me with strength. That's the best way I could hope to finish this chapter of my life.
