Avenger Preferences

(A/N)

Hello. Figured I should let you guys know what's going on in my life. If you're not in the mood to be depressed, then don't read.

Let's just get this over with. Last week I was diagnosed with anxiety. Hurrah hurrah. This is something I've been dealing with it since I was 7 or 8, but I just now actually went to the doctor, because I felt like something was physically wrong with me. Whenever I would get super stressed or sometimes whenever one small thing wouldn't go right, my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest, the world begins to spin and my vision gets clouded with black and white spots, then, my ears start to ring. Even writing this is hard for me. On top of all of that my shakiness prevents me from doing anything.

Along with my anxiety, I'm also dealing with severe depression. Yes, I know, it doesn't seem like it and it may seem like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But if you want to think that you can, you can't read minds and you don't know that I'm constantly contemplating suicide. The only time that I am ever truly happy, is when I'm talking to my best friend or writing. Those, to be honest, are the only things I'm currently living for.

Apparently, I'm pretty good at faking it, because I'm the one who everyone comes to with their problems and vents too, which also contributes to the anxiety I was talking about. Honestly, everyday I'm close to just letting go and disappearing, but people depend on me and I know that I'd be letting everyone down.

I don't cut, because I know if I do, it'll all be over and I'll slip into that deep dark abyss that I wish I could escape to. I really don't have anyone to talk to, but please don't say "You can always talk to me!" and "I'm here for you!" etc. etc. etc. It's not that I don't appreciate it, because believe me, I do, but I know that it will stress you out and make you sad if I do. I can't do that to you. My family isn't much help either. They don't believe me with how bad it's gotten, and they just think I'm looking for attention. I get punished for having anxiety attacks, which makes them worse. (For example; This morning I forgot to turn in a school assignment and because I pride myself with straight A's, I was already on the verge of an anxiety attack, I get yelled at, have an attack, then get my phone taken away.)

I'm balancing so much right now; you have no idea. Between school, being ASB Vice President, spending basically every free moment I have at church (yes, I know, I'm the worst Christian to date) and writing, it's all becoming too much. I'm already cutting out some things at church, and some friendships I was so desperately clinging onto, but it hasn't helped much. In other words, what I'm trying to say is, if you see less of me, it may be because I'm trying to de-stress.

I'm sorry if this depressed any of you, stressed you out or anything of the like. I had to get it off my chest and tell you guys. Thank You for being so supportive and putting up with me.

Xx

Bella