"Watch out boys its the faggot." "Backs against the wall lads" Their taunts running through my head, the whole school knew I was gay, the whole neighbourhood know thanks to her. I rounded the corner as the main school bullies, I turned to walk away in the hope they hadn't spotted me but I heard their footsteps and I knew they hadn't. I ran my shoes thudding against the floor, my heart was in my mouth as I glanced behind me and saw them hot on my heels. I skidded down a corridor as they filtered in from both sides, they pinned me to the wall.
"Leave me alone please" I said as they laughed and hit me. A few of them got distracted as I pushed through them wiping my bloody nose on my sleeve, "oi!" they shouted as I ran my breathing heavy as I ran through the doors of the entrance and through the school grounds. They were getting nearer as I backed away, "tommy!" A loud scream echoed in my head as the car sped towards me.
I sat up breathing heavily, my hair stuck to my head in a cold sweat. I instinctively reached for the bed realising adam wasn't there he was at work. I slid from the bed and went into the bathroom, I splashed my face with water and placed my hands on the edge of the sink. My eyes fell on the razor in the toothbrush mug as I swallowed and picked it up, the metal was cold to the touch.
I sat on the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest, the minutes turned to hours as I sat in the dark. I heard the key in the lock as adam quietly made his way upstairs, he was trying to be quiet thinking I was asleep. He went into the bathroom, once he was done he turned on the bedside lamp and jumped when he saw me. "Tommy you scared me why are you sitting in the dark" he said, his eyes fell to the razor on the bed as he looked at it then to me.
"Tommy you didn't?" he asked, I shook my head as he let out a sigh of relief and picked it up dropping it into the bin. "Whats wrong honey?" he asked quietly placing his hand on my hands. "I wanted to adam, I really did" I whispered. "But you didn't tommy youre stronger than that habit, you haven't thought of that for months" he told me. "I know but I wanted it, to feel that pain the release" I answered, "why tommy?" he questioned.
"The taunting, its always there in my head adam. Those names, the memories" I said. "Did you have another bad dream?" he asked as I nodded. "Tommy they are just memories nobody can hurt you now I promise, its late you need some sleep the driver will be picking you up early in the morning" he told me. I slid under the duvet as I cuddled close to adams body, "youre freezing" he replied. He wrapped his arms round me and kissed my cheek as I yawned. I felt safer in his arms, like no one could hurt me.
The next morning...
"Good morning mr Ratliff" the driver said as I climbed into the car, "morning where are we today?" I asked wearily as I pulled my sunglasses on. "San Diego sir" he replied, "right ok cool" I replied putting my earphones in and leaning back in the chair. I watched as LA passed in a blur as music sounded in my ears, I struggled to stay awake for the 2 hour journey. I knew if I fell asleep id end up having bad dreams, I have them pretty much every night now. Normally adam is there, but when hes at work they are always worse.
Its exhausting, I cant sleep. Its like im stuck in zombie mode, its becoming a chore to eat properly. My grandma would kick my ass if she was here, but shes not here. Noone is here, it scares me. Its like im falling deeper and deeper into the dark hole I was in before I met adam, I feel trapped like the walls are crashing down on me. Im scared of what i'll do, I cant go back to doing that. Adam would flip out, I need a way out of this darkness.
"Sir we're here" the driver said snapping me away from my thoughts a few hours later. "Oh right cool thank you" I answered climbing from the car and heading inside. Katy and Cam were sitting on the edge of the stage, "ahh tommy glad you made it" katy said as I crossed the room. "Yeah traffic is a bitch" I replied, "it is that" she answered laughing as she stood. "Right lets set up shall we we have a soundcheck in 20 mins" katy replied.
I climbed on stage and stuck my sunglasses in my jacket pocket as cam walked over, "you look like shit" she told me. "Oh gee thanks" I replied rolling my eyes, "sorry I meant tired is adam and his sex keeping you awake?" she said nudging me. "I wish, I haven't been getting much sleep that's true" I answered. "If its not adams sex what is it?" she questioned, "I keep having like nightmares. Flashbacks from when I was younger, they are getting bad again" I told her.
"You haven't done that again have you? I mean that's what happened last time" she asked, "no of course not but its exhausting. Trying to resist the urge again" I said quietly. "Promise me tommy you wont do it again, you've done so well these past few months" she answered. "I promise, I have no desire to go back there again I swear" I replied. "What the whispering about?" katy asked, "just tour set lists and such" cam replied as katy nodded. "Thank you" I said, "welcome" she replied. "Rights lets get busy!" katy said and the conversation was over as quick as a flash.
