Just by Chance- Phan AU

Chapter 13- Phil's POV (tw/ self harm, suicide)

I was standing at my locker, getting out a book for my next class when Dan came up to me. He leaned against my locker. "Hey, Phil."

"Hey, Dan!" Dan had been more open with us being friends recently. I could see that he was getting over his fear of social rejection; sometimes he would come sit with me during lunch. PJ and Chris had different lunches, so we couldn't sit together although the four of us had become friends. I was closest with Dan, though.

"So, can we reschedule today's tutoring session for tomorrow? My mum and I are going to do something together after school."

I smiled. "Yes! Of course!" I was so happy that Dan and his mum were getting close again; I would put nothing in the way of that. "What are you guys doing?"

Dan grinned. "We're going to this little village we used to go to when I was little. We haven't been since I was in middle school and-"

"Howell! What are you doing talking to gaylester?" Kai came behind Dan, demanding an answer.

"Well, he is my tutor, Kai. I needed to reschedule a tutoring day."

"Yeah, I doubt that. You two have spent so much time together. Are you guys together? Is it GayHowlter now?"

Dan turned around to face Kai. "No! We're not together! We're not even friends! I was just reminding him of that!" Dan then marched off, and I watched his back as he disappeared. Kai gave me a smirk before walking off himself.

I heard the bell for our next class ring, but I couldn't move. I just stood in the empty hallway for about five minutes before I started breaking down. I slid down the side of the lockers, sobbing and wailing. Eventually one of the teachers found me and told me that I should go home. My dad was out of town on business, so I was allowed to drive his car for the week, so I got in his car and drove home.

So many thoughts were going through my head. Why would Dan say that? Is it true? Has he been lying to me? Maybe he was just scared. Kai is scary- he could easily beat the shit of me and Dan. But still. He introduced me as "My friend, Phil" to his family. Why? Why? Why?

I arrived home to empty house, due to the fact that my mum was still at work. I walked inside and headed straight to my mum's bathroom where she kept her disposable razors. I grabbed one and headed to my bathroom where I ripped the razor apart. I hadn't cut myself in the moths since Dan arrested and he saw. But I didn't know how else to deal with this.

I brought the blades over my arms, feeling the familiar feeling of relief. But when I went to rinse off my arms, the blood kept coming. And coming. No matter how much pressure I put, it wouldn't stop bleeding.

I sat on the bathroom floor, my head in my hands. Why did I do this? I went into full-on panic mode, rocking back and forth and sobbing. I could barely breath, I was hyperventilating so bad. I could feel my strength ebbing away, my life seeming to fade. NO! My mind screamed. I don't want to die! Please, no!

It seemed like all hope was lost; there was no chance of salvation. I had told myself this was it.

But then I heard a knock on the front door.

Then another.

And I heard a familiar voice yelling.

"PHIL! Phil! Please, let me in! I know you hate me, but please!"

I wanted to go and let him in, but I couldn't- I physically couldn't stand and walk to the door.

But then I remembered.

The door.

It was unlocked, I had forgotten to lock it.

Please try the door, please try the door, I silently prayed.

I heard the door open, and I heard footsteps running through the house. "Phil?! Phil, where are you?!"

I was laying on the bathroom floor, and I called out weakly, "Dan..."