The Fall (Camren)

Tears In Rain

Have you ever heard the term 'circling the drain?' They use it as a macabre medical terminology for when a patient is dying, Lauren had read that somewhere. It means to be in a rapid decline or state of downfall, leading to an inevitable utter failure or destruction. She couldn't think of a better term than 'circling the drain' for her current emotional state. Lauren was circling the drain and it felt inevitable, unchanging and completely deserved.

The circling starts out slow. At first she is solemn and quiet. Smiles when she has to, goes to sound check, smiles at fans, sings her heart out on stage, sits awake at night and pretends not to hear Camila crying from her bunk.

Camila doesn't speak to her, doesn't even look at her. The others are bewildered but nobody asks her what happened.

Then the current starts to speed up and the circling intensifies. She is angry all the time, she snaps at her friends, yells at Alex in front of the crew, slams doors and glares. She glares at everyone, at crew, at fans but mainly at her reflection in the mirror.

Camila still doesn't speak to her. Still doesn't look at her.

Dinah sits next to her before a press interview one day and tells her that Camila had told her they had broken up. The Polynesian rests a careful hand on Lauren's stiff shoulder and tells her I'm here if you need me.

It's as the interviewer is introducing them that she realises Dinah said Camila had said they'd broken up, not that Lauren had broken up with her. For some reason the distinction makes her feel sick. She manages to speak maybe three words the whole interview. Four days later after the interview has aired her Twitter feed is filled with comments, bitch, what crawled up her ass? The one on the end seems like a dick, Lauren looks like she'd rather set herself on fire than be in that interview.

She types out a curse-filled tweet full of expletives and exclamation marks in response. Deletes it before she can hit send.

Two weeks later, after the grief and anger, comes the desperate need for release, to be numb. She is now spinning out of control, she can feel the pull towards self-destruction, she's encroaching upon the drain and it's terrifying and dark and worryingly she likes it just a little.

Lauren is exiting the hotel they are staying in when she stumbles directly into Camila, their eyes meet and there is eye contact for the first time in weeks. Lauren smiles, meek and timid but very genuine. Camila almost smiles back on impulse but then her eyes fill with anger and flicker horribly into disappointment. It hurts more than anything. Lauren looks away first.

The following day they're back on the road, she looks out of the window of the steadily moving bus as they cruise through New Orleans. It's hot and bright and the laughter on the bus is a stab to the heart ever time. The other girls try and coax her out of bed, she refuses each of them every time and eventually they stop trying. That night she leaves after their show and finds a bar, she drowns her sorrows for hours. When she gets back to the bus Camila's cries are muffled by the sounds of own retching into the bus toilet.

Dinah comes to check on her, she rubs her back patiently and says nothing for a long time. When Lauren sits back Dinah hands her some water and asks, 'What are you doing Lolo?' Her answer is a fierce sob that stretches on through the night.

Lauren goes out to different bars every night for the next week and a half. She plays a game with herself, every thought of Camila: a shot. She does a lot of shots.

There is a moment when she is sure she couldn't sink any lower, in which she thinks the circling has finally reached its inevitable end. She is in a club she can't name, in a city she can't remember, pressed up against a wall by a guy she doesn't know. Music booms loudly and her vision is blurred, her head is light and heavy at the same time. In the dark of the club she can barely make out the guys dark silhouette.