Love Is Just A Game (BoyxBoy)

Crossing The Line

"They skipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

~~~

Chapter 18
Wednesday- October 15th, 2014

"I awake to find no peace of mind
I said how do you live as a fugitive
Down here where I cannot see so clear
I said, what do I know
Show me the right way to go."

I was curled up in a ball, listening to old Coldplay in the dark. I turned on music, in a desperate plea that it would stop my thoughts for one single second but it was a failed attempt.

I could only imagine that I wasn't the first man on Earth to experience such confusion but it's how I felt in the moment. I felt utterly lost, like I was running in a never ending maze.

In the moment, I was so sure of my feelings and so sure of whom I was but now... I felt even more confused than before. I hated myself for being weak, and for giving into Dorian's advances so easily. I felt like dirty, disgusting scum. I had only let one person touch me like that and I had been in love with them, or so I thought.

The emotions filling me for Ash and Dorian were making me question my feelings for any other girls. The feelings were different; with guys it was more electric and with girls it was more subtle. But I never felt any disgust or dissatisfaction when I was with girls. It felt right but today...that felt right as well. No matter how much I wanted to deny that fact, it felt good, it felt right.

But what did that mean? What was in the cards for Dorian and I? Was it just a one time thing? Something we'd never speak of again or was it something more? Did I like him? Or did I just want him to continue sucking me off? Did I want to suck him off?

I shoved my head into my pillow and screamed as loud as I could. The thoughts wouldn't stop, they were on an endless cycle.

I knew I had to clean myself up before Charlie got here, if he was even coming home tonight. We both tried to avoid each other as much as possible but we couldn't escape the fact that we lived together and he could only spend so much time with Abigail.

My phone vibrated next to me but I ignored it. I honestly didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. Not having hardly any privacy was one thing I hated about dorm life and college life, in general. I just needed a second to collect my thoughts, to take a few deep breaths before I faced the world again.

Minutes later, a quick knock was at my door and I rolled over onto my stomach, ignoring it. The door swung open and I could hear Karmika's voice, "What the hell? Why is it so dark in here? Riley? Riley, are you okay?"

I mumbled against my pillow, "M'fine."

Karmika shook me, "Hey, hey, look at me."

I turned on my side and peeked a look at her. She had turned the lights on and I could visibly see she had cut her hair, it was now touching her shoulders. I was surprised to say the least, Karmika never cuts her hair.

I muttered in awe, "You cut your hair."

Karmika tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled, "I did. You like it?"

I nodded, "S'cute."

I attempted to turn back over but Karmika forced me down onto my back and stared holes into my face. "Now, tell me what's wrong?"