Love Is Just A Game (BoyxBoy)

Secondhand

Chapter 31
Friday- November 14th, 2014

I felt as shitty as the secondhand shirts I had to wear as a kid once my brother outgrew them. We faced some hard times back then, especially financially and new clothes weren't always an option. Clothes from Brendon and the Goodwill were about as good as it got. I didn't much care back then, I was never big on materialistic things like Charlie and most of the other kids at school. But there were the occasional times where the popular crowd would make me feel ashamed of the holes in my shirts, as if it were against the law to be poor.

Being a teenager genuinely sucked sometimes but I don't think anything felt as bad as this moment in time. It had been a rough school year and it seemed to only continually get worse. From losing Natalie, to my parents divorce, to Charlie distancing himself from me, to falling for the wrong person and now, my hours had been cut at the gas station.

I had received a text from my boss with my biweekly schedule and I only had 24 hours this week, compared to my usual 32. We had recently hired a new girl which I assumed had caused the drop in my hours but I was panicking at the loss of money. I needed every cent just to get by; traveling by bus, getting food and getting everyday necessities wasn't cheap. My student loans and some scholarships covered the bare minimum, I didn't want to borrow more out and be even more in debt than I already was.

I sighed as I rubbed my temples and emailed a completed essay to one of my teachers. I had been turning homework in early, doing anything I could to distract myself from the chaos of my life. Karmika tried to help, tried to drag me out of my dorm room but I really wasn't up for it. I just needed to be alone for awhile.

I checked my phone for any text messages but there was none. I hopelessly kept wishing for a text from Ash, even though I had blocked him, so that was physically impossible. I had stared at the unblock button at least a hundred times this week but I was trying to remain strong. I didn't deserve to be treated like anyone's secondhand goods, or at least that's what I was trying to believe.

I couldn't help but to torture myself in wondering what happened after I left Ash's house. I secretly hoped he kicked Emanuel out and swore to never speak to him again but they had been friends for years, so I doubt that was the case. Was Ash upset that Emanuel had ruined our chances together or was he relieved not to have to deal with the "boy so far in the closet" anymore?

I was willing to come out for him, I was willing to be his boyfriend and this is what I get. I suppose I'm happy it happened now, rather than later on. It didn't make it easier to deal with but perhaps one day it would.

I was getting a bit bored of my sad fest, as I'm sure everyone else around me was as well. The only way to change anything was for me to keep moving forward, that didn't mean the ache in my chest was going away but I could distract myself until it did. So, I rolled out of bed and made a mental list of things to do. First, I cleaned my mess of a room, throwing away takeout boxes and bottles of water and sweeping the floor. I made my bed, piled up my laundry in a bag and headed to the laundry room in the basement of the dorm building.

After that was finished, I finally texted Karmika for lunch plans in the dining hall. She was happy to finally see me out of my room. We ate and then walked around campus, enjoying the pretty fall weather. She did most of the talking, which I was glad for. It was nice to hear about someone else's problems for a change and do my best at advice giving. A few hours passed and I headed back to my dorm to do some "self-care". Karmika wanted to join, adding that she had some amazing Korean face masks we could do but I rolled my eyes and rejected that idea. I had somewhat accepted that I wasn't a completely masculine guy but face masks was still too soon for me.