damage || [continuation of heather]

thoughts-xlv-

-A MONTH LATER-

I was unlocking the door after wiping my feet on the welcome mat, in order to step into our home. I took off my shoes and removed my bag and yoga mat before taking off my jacket as well.

"Hi Darling.", Spencer came out of the living room, a book in his hand. He kissed me before bending down and kissing my clothed belly, "hi baby."

"How are you already home from the case?", I wondered as they hadn't had an idea who the Unsub was when I rang Spencer this morning.

"I would rather not talk about it today, I feel kind of drenched. However, how was your yoga course?"

"Are you feeling okay? I'm worried."' I took his free hand in mine and he guided me back to where he came from.

We sat down on our couch in the living room and Spencer promised me that he was fine.

"What are you reading?", I asked him then, even though he had just wanted to place it n the table in front of the couch.

"Oh this?", he asked, showing me the title of the book, it was about the amazon rainforest.

"Did you learn anything new?"

"No, not really... Except I remember that I had read that sloths tend to climb down their trees every 8 days, but in this book it says that they climb down every 9 days.", he told me, his eyes sparkling with excitement as they do every time he tells me about a fact. I could listen to him forever and wouldn't get tired of it.

"So tell me about the yoga course! What did you do?", he asked me again after I watched him carefully, worried as to what they had to deal with today.

Spencer prepped himself up a little bit more after he took a pillow from behind him and hugged it tight against his body. He leaned his elbow onto the pillow and placed his head onto his opened palm which made him look even more adorable than he already was.

I took a deep breath, reluctant of letting the topic of the case and his bad mood slip,"It was really good actually, we focused on breathing exercises today which hopefully will be beneficial when we get to the actual delivery date."

"That's good.", the corners of his mouth were pulled upwards but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

"You know, even if our work is cruel most of the times, I quite miss it these days.", I sighed and paused after seeing him frown.

"I miss the happy faces, they are rare, I do know that, but I feel so relieved every time we can tell a lover, a parent, a sibling, a child, an aunt or an uncle, cousin or just someone who cared about them that they are well. I feel so good about what we do because we manage to comfort the  relatives and to give them closure, even if the case doesn't turn out as wished. And I appreciate that I always have people that are there with me, that we're not alone in this. We have us and we have the team, we have our family. I also like to think that we can prevent a big part of some really bad things happening in the future, we can help, right?"

Spencer's frown deepened and I pressed my lips together in worry.

"Yeah, you're right. But today was one of these days on which you come home and feel like it was all for nothing.", he let out a heavy breath and took his palm from under his chin, sweeping his forehead.

"We did find the little girl, but not in time. We were too late. I was too late and even though we caught the guy, we didn't catch him in time. She is dead. Her parents are devastated. If we could've prevented THAT, if we could've at least prevented that she would suffer and be killed like the other little girls I-",he paused again, letting out a shaky breath this time.

"I.. don't know. It's one of these days on which we settle our things to fly back and my mind is filled with bad thoughts. I'm torn. Facts of how many more people are killed in that exact same moment.., facts of how many children, lovers, parents, you name it, will never get back to the people that care about them.. people are hurting, people are dying, every second- there's cruelty and brutality and bad things everywhere. We can't do anything to make the world safe, completely good. And I fear that our little girl will be harmed in this world."

"Spencer, she has us, she's not going to-", I tried to intervene but he wouldn't let me.

"No. Heather, we've all been harmed. Everyone out of our team, including you and me. I had Hankel, you had Scott. We all had to fight and we still have to. How can we make sure that we are safe? How could we make sure that this was it? That there isn't more bad to follow? What could we possibly do about it? The world? And is it even worth it to fight for survival?"

"It is! It so is! It really, really is worth it! Sure, all of us have been hurt before and I'm sure that we'll hurt in the future, too. And yes, the world isn't safe, it will never be completely safe, but everyday we contribute to it getting safer. And we're certainly not the only ones fighting for the good side. I know what these days feel like, Spencer, we've both had bad days, heck, we all certainly have experienced these days! We've even had worse days, not only at work but also outside of work, but so far we've survived, we outlived all of this bad stuff and I'm sure that with you on my side, I can get through anything that stands in my way! I will do anything for happiness because you deserve only the bestest of days, Spencer. And if this isn't enough for you, tell me. If you aren't happy with me on your side, please tell me. I will try my best to meet whatever expectation you wish but I will not, I would never, leave your side."

"I don't know, it's just that.. I don't know, Heath."

"Come on up, I know what can cheer up both of our moods.", I smiled a half smile leading to go upstairs, Spencer following closely behind me.