Not On Fire (Phan AU)

16 | fire

Dan's a fire, one that never burns out, fueled by a burning hatred and people who will never understand him and the storm raging behind his eyes. He's a light too bright, causing people to look away and turn a blind eye to everything he does and will do. And he's dimmer than nightfall, split down the center, one half blending in and the other perfectly placed in plain sight so no one will ever notice. He lives two lives to go with the changing of the hour, the fall and rise of the sun, but they're muddled now, mixed together to the point where you can't tell where one stops and the other starts. The light isn't bright and the dark isn't dim and it's starting to show. He can't blend if he's not an extreme, so unless he can separate the two, pull them apart and put them back together, he'll have to hide under his covers in the darkest corner of his room. He's hot to touch and cool to hear, two contradictions wrapped up in one that coexist peacefully until they're put to the test.

    Like the swirling smoke that stains his vision and controls his thoughts, he's not grounded, with the knowledge that he'll leave this burning place one day keeping him ready to soar at any moment. He's here one day and gone the next, exactly like the two parts of him that he feels like he's always switching between.

    Even as he walks from his house to the park with no swing, he knows one day he'll forget the sidewalks that take him there, and he'll leave behind half of him--it's only a question of which part will be etched into all of the places that he's caused destruction. But he can't wait until them to finally make the waters clean again, can't put it off until the last second because then he knows it will be impossible.

    Each step he takes, he leaves a path of destruction in his wake, and even though nobody else can see it, he can. No one else may know he's an arsonist, but how is a mystery when he watches as things succumb to the darkness inside of him. Not only is he destroying what's around him, he's destroying himself from the inside out just to feel calm for a few minutes out of the day.

    And in a rather hectic world just a match away from burning down, that's a lifeline that he just can't afford to give up.

***

There's a slight chill to the air as he lights up the last cigarette in the pack and a rush of wind that feels like needles on his skin as he brings the stick to his lips.

    This is a routine he's all too familiar with. No matter how much he's learned about the dangers of what he holds in his hand, he can't seem to bring himself to quit, so with each day that he lights up, he falls more and more into the habit, allowing it to take over his movements until he can do it without thinking or seeing.

    And with each puff, he can feel the anger and nerves melting away, imagines them as something tangible slowing retreating away from sight. His eyes are closed, his feet planted firm, and his racing heart is slowing down as it passed the finish line, reached its peak, and realized there was nothing to keep stressing about anymore.

    Like this, it's easy to forget the haunting reminder of how he'll never fit in with Phil, Pj, and Chris, easy to imagine a world where they could all be friends (so long as he could get past how annoying they could be at times). Normally, he'd love staring at it, taking it in and remembering what it was like to stand before it as flames engulfed the old wooden swing, but now, with the recent events at Phil's house still fresh in his mind, it only serves to reinforce the fact that he's an outcast who doesn't belong and shouldn't try to be anything but who he already is.

    But most importantly, it's easy to clear his mind and focus at the real task at hand. He's allowed his two lives to dance together and become one, but unless he wants to be found out and forever labeled as an arsonist, he has to do something about it before it's too late. After all, now that he's hanging out with Phil, the son of a police officer who would love more than anything to solve the case, there's no such thing as too careful. And he's not going to let himself learn that the hard way. Not unless he wants to watch his world crumble before him.