Not On Fire (Phan AU)

22 | are you really an arsonist?

Dan doesn't expect Louise to come back with him--figures she's gotten what she's wanted, hung out with him for a while, about an hour in total. Not that an hour is all that long because it's not, but the way he sees it is that they're simply taking baby steps. One hour is a baby step. And it's the best he can offer right now. To put it simply, he's a little surprised when she falls in step right beside him, misses her turn and keeps walking.

She wants more--isn't done with him quite yet. But he's already given all he's willing to. Unless she's willing to get down on her knees and beg. Even then, he would only carry the words on the tip of his tongue before swallowing them. There's a reason it's called a secret. Don't break it.

Just like silence: don't break it. They don't talk for the whole walk back. It's best that way. She wants, so she takes. He's not giving. Let's hope she doesn't resort to stealing. Then they'll both be criminals.

If it's truth that she wants, then it's lies that she'll get. No one has to know.

When they get to Dan's house, Louise plops down on the couch, rather dramatically. His parents aren't home, judging by the missing car in the driveway and the quiet in the house.

Dan sits down next to her. Keeps a safe distance from a force that pulls and pushes too much for his taste. It's not paranoia that has him arms length away. He just wants to keep their friendship alive. If he lets her too close, that bombs going to blow. That can't happen.

"Do you know when your parents are going to be home?" Louise asks. The silence is broken. Don't break the secret because of it. "I saw them when they were leaving but I didn't ask." Assumption correct--that's irrelevant.

"No," he says, shaking his head. "All I know is that they had a grocery list a mile long."

Simple talk, easy thoughts--it's all too normal for him--leaves him feeling like it's going to wrap around his neck and squeeze. His life has never been normal, so why does it feel like it is now? He shouldn't ask questions he doesn't want to know the answer to. That would be the safe--and smart--thing to do. Two things he's only fond of in school.

"What was that anyway? In your room? You said that you did it to help quit smoking, but that doesn't explain how you thought of it in the first place." This--this is a bit more complex and yet, he still can't handle it. Louise knows how to do more than push his buttons. She's pretty good at jamming them, too. He sure has a way with friends. Phil makes him feel different, in a way he can't explain, and Louise gets to him in more ways than one.

He's just trying to distract himself. Not a thought comes to him that'll help him work through this situation. No bullshit excuse that he can think of. In simple terms, it's starting to look like he's fucking screwed.

The real reason he started burning his stuff? Well, there are two: 1) it was an easy way he could be destructive when he couldn't set fires and 2) he has too many memories that he doesn't want, doesn't need, and don't help at all. But he can't say those. The first one is a dead give away that he's an arsonist or a pyromaniac. The second one just sounds a little insane outside of his head.

"Smoking helped me forget, clear my mind, and I just thought that maybe burning things with such strong memories attached would do the same," Dan says and shrugs his shoulders. That's all he can do. Apart from hope that she believes something so half-assed.

"Come on, Dan, tell me the truth," Louise demands. And that face, the one he hasn't seen in so long, comes back. She's trying to force him into it, but his lips are sealed shut.

"That is the truth, and even if it wasn't, you promised to lay off." She pulled out a knife, but he had a sword up his sleeve.

"Fine, fine. I trust you." Oddly enough, it doesn't feel like she does. "And I promise I'm trying. I just, it's not that easy, but I'm trying. It's just going to take some time."