Not On Fire (Phan AU)

25 | shut up, I'm about to blow

Apparently, studying does make it easier because Dan finishes his last final with an hour left before school lets out. This is his last day of high school. This is it, and he can't even process it. Technically, there's one more day left, but he took his final early for tomorrow, so he doesn't have to come in at all which means he's sitting in these chairs for the last time, walking these halls for the last time, doing everything for the last time.

    It's liberating to be free from school and its constraints. College may allow you to pick your own path, but high school, even with the choices they offer, which tend to be limited, has one path paved for everybody.

    At the same time, however, it feels like he's just watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower ten times in a row. The movies always had the power to fill him with nostalgia, a feeling that just feels like it's pulling you down and sinking right along with you. It fills your mind with water and all you can think about is it--about the past and the future that it's created, how you made these choices and maybe you shouldn't have. Questions circle around--what if or how come or why--moving too fast for you to catch them.

    High school is where he became more than just a carbon copy of everything around him. He learned more, experienced more, developed into himself. It gave him a sense of individuality, and now--all of the torture associated with it--is being ripped away from him and he's not ready. Like he developed some sort of love and hate relationship.

    This is where he met Phil and he can't imagine his life without Phil. But at the end of summer, they're going their separate ways. Dan to New York, Phil to somewhere. Maybe Penn State or a community college. He has so many choices, but they're so far away from Dan and the life he's been dreaming about for as long as he can remember.

    It's sad to think that he cares more about losing Phil than Louise. Louise who has been his friend for so long and Phil who he's only been friends with for a matter of months. There used to be this idea in Dan's mind that Louise was just an until college friend, and the idea took a backseat for awhile. It's starting to feel like reality and it's going to be hard to adjust. Dan's ready, though; he's had forever to prepare for this. The same cannot be said about his relationship with Phil.

    Phil, the same guy who kept him away from doing the one thing he loved doing the most in the world yet still managed to bring out a smile on Dan's face. The train comes to a screeching halt when he thinks that and he keeps it stopped. Thoughts like that should be squashed. That's what he does to them.

    The clock shows that it's two minutes from the time that he gets out, so he watches the hands move with fascination--does anything to keep himself distracted--and counts down until he's done. It's dead silent in the room, an oddity but most likely a result of the weight of the situation. Each sound rings throughout the room loudly--tick tock, tick tock, and then an obnoxious ringing noise as the clock strikes 12:15.

    He gets out of his seat and picks up his pencil and notebook. The door isn't close enough, which has him walking faster than normal to reach it. The second he passes through it--it feels real. He's not even out of the school yet, but he's out of the classroom. Now all that's left to do is wait for Phil and Louise outside the school, but he has nothing left to do regarding this place. There's no locker to go to or teacher to talk to. This is it. He swallows, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.

    This is it, he repeats and opens his eyes.

    His feet are on autopilot as he worms his way through the crowds of students and towards the doors that lead outside. Before he realizes it, he's pushing them open and stepping outside. Breathing in the fresh air.

    This is the perfect weather to set a fire, but the thought is fleeting. For just this second there are no dark storm clouds looming overhead. For just this second he's happy in the moment. It feels like the proof that he can lead a normal life, the proof that he had been subconsciously waiting for. He's got it gripped tight in his hands, and he's not going to let go.