destruction

can you hear the silence¿

                 i hadn't talked to julian in over a week, and i was really starting to panic. 

it had only been seven days but to me it was a decade. every second without him got longer. i continued to try and distract myself - listening to music, watching tv, etc. 

but every little thing reminded me of him. 

it's midnight now, what should i do?

i thought about it for a moment, then the perfect idea popped into my head. i put on my converse and raced outside. 

i missed my hideout. 

for some reason i hadn't visited since that night. it was the perfect place to not think though, and that's all i needed to do. 

it was dark out so i used the light from my phone screen for guidance. i sat down in the hammock and this pleasurable sensation filled my insides.

 i put in my headphones and laid back while looking at the trees.

 it was so peaceful.

it was the first time in weeks he left my mind. too bad it didn't last long. my phone buzzed and i see julian's name pop up.

julian: hey you

i didn't want to reply instantly, but god it was hard not to. i turned off my phone and relaxed again, but my phone buzzed.

julian: don't ignore me

gee, i know the feeling.

julian: give me attention zoeeeeeee

i finally gave in and replied.

zoe: hi

julian: can i see you?

zoe: why all of the sudden?

julian: i'll explain in a sec.

before i had time to reply i feel hands run down my sides. i turn around and see him standing over me.

he picks me up and carries me back to the house without asking. we reached the front door and he rushed up to my bedroom. 

i followed him up the stairs running so many excuses through my mind.

 although there isn't really an excuse for not texting me, i was too happy to really give a damn.

"yah know, i was so close to never talking to you again the other day." he said.

i was going to say something but there was nothing i could say. i was too confused.

"i don't know why but for some reason half of my brain wants me to be mad at you for something." he continued, "but i can't be mad at you because there's nothing to be mad about."

"i agree, but it's whatever." i whispered.

he sits down next to me on the bed and slowly moves closer.

i could feel his body heat. 

there was a strong smell projecting off of him - alcohol.

"you're too sweet baby." he says as getting closer.

"you're just saying that." i mumble.

he lets out a small chuckle then rolls on top of me. 

i already knew where this was going. he kisses down my neck, towards my stomach.

 he came face to face with me and gave me a look. i didn't say anything back, nor make a sign.

 i just stared into his crystal blue eyes. 

i feel his hands run down my stomach and into my thighs. 

he tries unbuttoning my jeans but i stop him. he looks up at me confused.

"don't be scared." he whispers.

i sit up and hold myself in a little ball.

"i'm not scared." i mumble.

"then what is it?" he snaps.

"you made me promise that i wouldn't lose my virginity to someone that doesn't love me." i shout.

he can't take his eyes off of me. 

i see so many emotions fill his eyes. 

anger, frustration, sadness, fear. 

it was almost as if he was scared of me now; he knows i keep promises. 

we sat there staring at each other in silence for multiple minutes. 

then he got out of bed, put his shoes on, and left. 

i sat there listening to the silence till the sun came up.

 and i continued to sit there for the day after that. 

i watched the sun rise, and set.

 i watched people go to work, and people go home to their families.

  it's a big circle.

same routine everyday. 

it's a lot like love if you ask me. you go around and around with someone until soon you run out of money for the ride. 

__________________________________________________________________________________

ever heard the song carousel by melanie martinez? 

this whole relationship kinda reminds me of it. 

any of you have experience with love circles?? 

i sure do, lol

leave me comments and i'll be sure to reply! 

xox