destruction

learn how to swim

       i start to feel fear at first.

 the water was pounding on my chest and pushing at my sides. my lungs rise in flames as the liquids fill in.

 i can feel the blood pounding behind my eyes.

 the darkness overtook me, and i soon saw the light. a small figure hovering above me.

 it was him, my savior.

 i try screaming for help but water continued to flow into my mouth. 

he sees me. i see him. we make instant eye contact.

 but his smile soon turns to a smirk. he walks away as i sink into the murky depths.

the pounding in my head started roaring. all the lost souls are screaming in my ear.

 i let go and listen to their words. 

i start to feel alive once again. my consciousness feels stronger than ever. 

all the commotion dies, i stop struggling. 

it's going to be okay.

 then i remember the boy. he left me.

 the image fills my mind. 

i was drowning only feet away from him, and he wanted me to learn how to swim.

~~~

i wake up in a puddle of sweat. 

my heart is running a marathon. 

as i look around and find my balance everything starts to calm down. i keep having the same dream over and over. 

every time more surreal. each time i wake up i'm in the same place - my room.

 i hadn't left since that night. i continued to have the same routine each day. 

every once in awhile i would hear zac running up and down the stairs. one night i heard carlie's voice through the vents. i would have been concerned, knowing zac is only 16, but i was too busy not caring.

i didn't know what day it was, nor the time. i hadn't checked my phone or looked outside in who knows how long.

 most people would assume i'm boring myself. i mean that's what i was most afraid of. but it's quite nice if you ask me; not thinking. every time a thought pops into your head you just push it out.

i had to pee so i poked out into the hallway hoping not to bump into zac. 

as i open the bathroom door zac flings his door wide open and stares at me like i'm a lost puppy.

"what do you want?" i snap.

"well hello stranger." he chuckles.

"har. har." i mumble.

"what is your deal?" he says in a stern tone, "you haven't been out of your room in forever!"

"shit happens." i say, "deal with it."

he gives me a nasty look as his eyes roll into the back if his head. then out of the blue his lightbulb turns on.

"what did he do to you?" he asks.

i stand there in silence.

"zoe." he gets louder.

"nothing, it's not your buisness." i shout back.

he knows i'm lying through my teeth.

"well i have to piss," i state. "so excuse me."

i walk into the bathroom and zac's eyes follow each of my steps. i try to forget about our conversation.

i didn't have to pee anymore. i hadn't held a blade in a while so i search for and old one in the shower. 

one, four, eight, ten. 

that's enough for today, i say to myself.

i put the blade in my pocket and walk outside of the bathroom. zac's door is still wide open.

 i look inside and see old pizza boxes, a bra, and matches. i race to the window as i hear his car pull out of the driveway. 

of course he's leaving again. 

i know i should be relieved, but to be completely honest i don't like being home alone.

~~~

a few hours after zac left i went back into the bathroom and decided to take a bath. 

i missed feeling of the water on my skin. for some reason it felt like i had been underwater ever since.

that dream was more than real. 

i turned on the water and grabbed a few towels from the closet down the hall. i started taking my clothes off but froze as soon as i saw my reflection in the mirror. 

my ribs were popping out of my insides, and my thighs were no longer thick. each of my arms had a few slits, but my legs had twice as many.

 i was killing myself, one step at a time. 

it was quite lovely.

i put my toes into the water and my whole body tensed.

 as i got deeper into the water i got more relaxed.

 i rested my back on the bottom of the tub and held my breath.

 the dream was so real now. 

it was almost like i was reliving it another time. i relaxed in the water, my head bobbing back and forth, waiting for him to look into my eyes. 

time passed, he never showed. 

my body started to struggle so i lifted myself out and pulled the plug.

 maybe next time he will come for me.   

____________________________________________________________________________________

i know this chapter was a little dark, but i think it was needed

for you people out there that don't know much about self harm, starving, depression, etc 

this is not exaggerated. i'm trying my best to explain the feeling of drowning in your own mind

people that have experience - am i doing good at explaining? 

i hope you guys like where this story is going  

what do you think is going to happen with julian? 

leave me comments and i'll be sure to reply!!

xox