destruction

fuck it

        "you better not be peeking." julian threatens as we pull up to the mystery destination.

"i'm not, i'm not. chill." i laugh.

"i have no chill." he says in a very serious tone.

we both laugh together as he parks the car.

julian opens the door for me and helps me out. my eyes were glued shut so he guided me to wherever the hell we were actually going.

 we walked for another 50 feet before julian leads me straight into a puddle.

 i jump a mile back as the water splashes onto my legs.

 i quickly open my eyes and give julian an evil stare.

"i just wanted to make sure you weren't peeking." he jokes.

the muddy water was running down my ankles and onto my shoes. as i continue to wipe them off i look up and see where we are.

"drum roll please." julian commands.

i start beating my hands on my thighs, laughing at his childish humor.

"introducing, the one and only..six flags!" he shouts through the park.

"actually there are 18 of them in north america." i state.

"nerd."

the only thing that baffled me was that the park was not actually open. it had no trespassing signs everywhere and all the walls were covered in weeds.

"this one is special you see." julian explains, "it's ours now."

that was a really pleasant thought.

 calling something ours. 

it's like a married couple getting their first house together. even though i knew that things would never be like that between us, the thought of it made me smile.

 i have never been a big fan of normal relationships i guess. it's almost like the same thing over and over. 

dates at the movie theater, white wedding dress, honeymoon in cozumel, etc. 

when i was younger i dreamed of those things. 

now?

 i can't imagine living in something so normal.

"it's been abandoned for as long as i can remember. sadly i've never actually been inside." julian mentions.

"it's beautiful." i mutter under my breath.

julian jumps in front of me blocking my way.

"you call an old amusement park beautiful?"

"it has character." i reply, "imagine what stories are in here."

he rolls his eyes and continues to walk through the path, kicking every piece of trash on the ground.

"what ride do you wanna ride first?" julian asks.

"all the rides here are kinda sorta down." i chuckle.

that didn't mean anything to him. he races up to the jester roller coaster. 

we both walk through the zigzag line and soon end up at the front of the ride. 

the carts were busted. 

i was trying to figure out what he was wanting to do once he was up here. 

i turn to face julian and i don't believe what i see. 

he starts climbing the ladder on the side of the tracks to the top of the hill.

"are you coming???" he shouts down to me.

it's just like the tree, i tell myself. 

just a bit taller and scarier.

 i tie my jacket around my waist and try to catch up with julian. as we reach the top he takes a seat on the edge of the tracks, his feet dangling below him.

i sit down next to him and he pulls out a blunt.

"what happened to quitting?" i question.

"fuck it." he mumbles.

he passes me the blunt but i quickly pass it back to him.

"suit yourself." he laughs.

so many thoughts were running through my head at once.

 one second we are two fuck ups running away together. 

the next we're lovers that want to find happiness together.

 now, i had no clue what this was. 

i try to not let it bother me and take the blunt out of his hand.

"do you love me?" i say, stuttering after each word.

he says nothing. 

his head continues to look forward and his face stays blank.

"please answer me at least?" i whisper.

"no." he states, "i don't know honestly. i don't think about it."

my stomach twists and my throat gets dry.

 i don't know whether to be mad, sad, neutral...

"there is a love for you in my heart. i don't know what the hell that means though." his voice gets quiet.

i don't understand why it all hits me so hard.

 i know.

 i have known. 

but for some reason him saying it hits ten times harder than usual.

"i don't like it up here," i mention. "can we go?"

he gets rid of the blunt then starts crawling down the ladder. i follow behind him.

 we get back to the car and start driving. i didn't know where, or if the adventure was going to continue.

 i wanted to ask questions but the car ride was completely silent. 

 no music, no voices, just silence.   

_____________________________________________________________________________

well this took a little turn.

any idea what's going on with julian? 

do you think they will get passed this little bump in the road?

leave me comments and i will be sure to reply!

xox