Just a Game

I'm Such A

Alice // chapter twelve

"W H O wrote this," he asked moments later, his voice low and shaky.

Watching him closely, I responded. "I don't know. The librarian gave it to me earlier when I came for our usual."

"So now you know," he stated, more to himself rather than to me actually.

I nodded, although his focus was on the letter and not on me. "I'm so sorry about what happened, Jace."

"It's done already, Alice. No need to bring it up anymore," he said firmly, refolding the letter and pushing it my way.

My hands automatically reached for it, fearing that he would drop the letter on the floor if I didn't instantly take it from him. "I thought you said you would tell me everything if I let you explain."

His eyes shot up to mine and for the first time since I entered his car, I saw anger flaring in his green irises. "I said I would've told you everything back when I trusted you, Alice. It's not like that anymore."

My stomach dropped. "Oh come on, Jace. You don't mean that."

He nodded. "I do mean that. And you know I do."

"But what about us, what we had going on?" I tried to argue, even though, I knew for sure that I was fighting a lost battle.

"We had nothing going on, Alice." His eyes were dark and I could see the all the pain tangling with the anger that had taken over his being. I realized then that maybe I should be afraid. I should be cautious and worried about the fact that I was sitting in a car with someone who looked so destructive. I should fear that he might be taking me down with him. The Sad part is, though, I don't think I cared if he did. Actually, I wanted him to. I wanted to see what really bothered him. I wanted to know what put that pained look in his eyes. I wanted to help him.

He wasn't a project; I wasn't trying to change him. He's already proved to be a better person than I could ever hope to be. Nonetheless, we all need someone to look us in the eye and tell us, "It's okay to break once in a while." It seems as though no one has said that to Jace in a long time. There was so much agony that was bottled up in him that it was almost too painful to look at him in the eyes at times. The dark void of heartache that engulfed his aura was such a contrast to the lively person he really is.

And that was the most painful part. Regardless of for how little long I have known him, it's not hard to see how much of a vibrant person he is. It was no wonder everyone, including the teachers and even the damn librarian, treated him like he was something special. Because at the end of the day, he was special. There was something about him. You can't look at him and not see the sun. You can't look at his smile and not smile as well. You can't hear him fool around and not laugh with him or at him, for that matter. He was so easy to get along with.

Maybe that's why I cared so much about him this fast; he was unlike anyone I have ever met.

"Don't you dare shut me out when you know how wrong it is to do so!" I hissed, but I wasn't angry at him; I was angry at myself. I did this. "It hurts so much, Jace, so fucking much, to see how badly I've wounded you. And to understand what else you've been through is just another slap in the face. I wish I could take it all back and I wish I'd have gotten my head out of my ass and given you a chance to explain. I'm such a jerk and an immature brat for reacting the way I did.

"But that was then and I'll spend as long as I have trying to make that up to you. I'm here now, though. So, please, for the sake of what we started, don't shut me out. Try to explain to me the way you once wanted to. I'll listen," my lips were quivering as I pleaded him with blurry eyes, "I want you to open up to me the way you easily did when we met. I want you to want to talk to me. Please. I-I just need to know that we're not completely broken."

He wasn't looking at me. He wouldn't. His face was still hard and his eyes had turned to the windows, staring out into outer space as if I didn't exist.

However, I knew he was listening. I understood then that maybe it was about time I let him in. "If this was any other person, I would've already walked away, Jace, but there's something about you that's not letting me. I want to understand it, because it makes me feel so out of place, so out of my damn mind. I...uh," I exhaled sharply, unable to speak for a short painful second as I made the split decision to tell him about something so private. "I've never had a friend in my life, you know. I mean, I've had many 'friends', but we moved around so much that they never got the chance to become anything more. So wherever my parents and I moved, I didn't befriend anyone, because I knew we'll move eventually and I'll lose almost everyone that's close to me. But you," I started and couldn't finish my sentence. My throat burned and I needed to look him in the eyes as I professed the next words. So, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to face me, his pained eyes meeting mine. "You pulled me in, Jace. You fucking pulled me in at that water fountain and I didn't even know it. I need you to understand that I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry for what I put you through. I will never make the mistake of not listening to both sides of the story before judging. I will always listen to you, J. Always. I just need you to give me one more shot, just one more chance to show you that I am worth your precious while, your precious smile," I went on, softly caressing his soft lips with my thumb. "You're so precious to me and I've only known you for two weeks. Please, just don't give up on me, on us."

With those last words, I pulled him down to meet my lips, relief washing over me when I felt no resistance from him.