Shattered Appearances ✓

s e v e n t e e n: You Can Cry

Stephanie's blood test results came a few days later. Her hCG levels were once again elevated which was alarming considering she wasn't pregnant. After a few more tests, it was determined that she had stage II choriocarcinoma.

Instead of the upbeat vibrancy of the house, it was dead silent. The sound of Giselle's video games couldn't even be heard in the distance. Monica had explained to dad about what happened and he didn't give a reaction. With a small humph, he surrounded himself in his cases. It was like he couldn't register what was happening.

The small tap tap tap sound could be heard from Dr. Schacter's pen as she was hitting it against her notebook.

"I don't have to be here. I'm perfectly fine." I said as I stared at her straight in the eye.

"Zoey, I've been in the medical world to know that fine never means fine. It could mean upset, depressed, or angry, but never fine."

"You don't know me. Fine in my world means fine. Why would I say something that isn't true?"

"I don't know Zoey. Why would you say something that isn't true?"

I thought about the question for a moment before I realized that the question was stupid.

"Everyone lies sometimes."

"Do you know what the most common lie is?" Dr. Schacter asked as she wrote something down. I knew where she was going with this.

"I assume you're going to tell me either way."

"The most common lie is I'm fine. Everyone says it once in awhile when they don't want to speak. I say it too sometimes."

"Your point is?" I was being extra uncooperative today and was counting the minutes until I could leave this stupid office.

"Considering that our session is almost over and we've only been discussing lies, I'm going to give you a homework assignment."

"You do realize I'm probably not going to do it right?" She ignored me and continued speaking.

"I want you to talk to someone. Anyone."

My head tilted slightly and I hesitated before speaking, "I do that everyday. Is there a point to this?

"You need to learn to express your emotions better. You might not want to do it with me and that's okay for now. But I want you to talk to someone today. Have a deep conversation. You should at least be able to confide in someone."

I shrugged my shoulders and agreed. It didn't seem completely unreasonable and anything that will get me out of here faster is worth agreeing to.

I fiddled with my fingers nervously and I looked at the books on the bookcase. Near it was a shelf with patients files. I wondered what my file said about me. As our session came to an end, Dr. Schacter told me, "I know you probably won't listen to me but it's okay to cry sometimes. Not everyone can be strong all the time."

Not saying anything, I grabbed my jacket and said goodbye. She waved before calling her next client. Not wanting to go back to my troubled home, I went to the park.

The snow covered the grass like a pristine blanket protecting it. I picked up the half frozen water and watched as it melted into my fingers. Although beautiful, it soon disappeared leaving a watery mess.

Soon enough the leaves were rustling and Thomas came in. Sporting a light blue sweater although it was almost freezing, he sat down next to me.

"My mom can't cook for shit. She's trying this new recipe and the house literally smells like dog shit. I had to get out of there."

I chuckled before looking into the distance. Remembering what Dr. Schacter told me about having a deep conversation with a person, I took a deep breath and began speaking.

"Has anyone in your family died?"

Immediately after I said that I wanted to facepalm myself. Obviously some members of his family must have died before, like his grandmother or something. He stiffened and looked at me. I tried to take back what I said before he responded. "Yeah. My big sister."

He looked away almost instantly and his eyes focused on the snow like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"My mom died a couple of months ago." I started off, not knowing what to say. "She had stage IV colon cancer. What did your sister die from?"

I didn't know if I was being overly personal or not. I wasn't exactly good at having deep conversations with someone else. Afraid that they would judge me, I kept to myself and it worked fine until now.

"Where are you going with this?" He finally asked, ignoring my question. He still avoided turning in my direction but you could see that his face was full of hesitation. His coffee eyes were masked in confusion and a little bit of sadness.

They say that eyes were the windows to the soul. Maybe he didn't want to look at me because he was afraid that I would discover all his secrets.

A stray tear escaped and I wiped my eyes to prevent more from coming out. "I'm tired of people dying. I just want to go a couple of months without being scared that someone I love is going to die. I don't think I can handle it again."

"People die everyday. They don't deserve to but they do. I think instead of worry about death, you be with the person as much as you can and support them. You never know when that person will leave you."

My heart felt heavy at that moment as I took in the words that he said. For him to know all of he must have suffered through a lot. I know his sister died, but I desperately wanted to know of what. Knowing that he didn't answer the first time I asked, I decided not to ask again.

Thomas stayed still for a couple of seconds, internally debating something. Then he took his arm and put it around me. It wasn't a romantic gesture, but it made me feel safe.

"It's okay not to be okay. Everything will be okay soon enough."

And for some strange reason, I believed him. Everything will be okay.