Chapter 20
“ED!” I shrieked. My head shot up off of my pillow. I was sweating a lot, and tears were pouring down my face. My breathing was heavy. It took me a minute to figure out what was going on. I vaguely remember the nightmare, which was far worse than any I’ve ever had.
I jumped out of bed and ran to the guest room. Ed was lying on his side, facing the window.
“Ed?” He didn’t hear me. I walked closer and closer until I was standing over him. “Ed? Please wake up.” He turned over, and sat up when he saw me.
“Taylor! Oh, come here.” The tears fell harder than before. I threw myself into his arms. He hummed a tune in my ear that I didn’t recognize. It was just a matter of time before he asked.
“Taylor. What was your dream about?” Of course he knew it was a nightmare. I’d called him every other night, crying into the phone for the same reason.
I stayed silent for a few moments, avoiding his question.
“Ed?” I looked at him, and then at my lap. “Do you love me?” He looked at me like I was crazy.
“Taylor, of course I love you. You know that. Why would you ask such a thing?” I tried to look at him, but ended up staring at the lamp behind him.
“I’m scared.”
“Scared of what, love?” His hands moved to my face, in an effort to comfort me.
“I’m scared I’ll lose you. That I’ll mess up. I just…I can’t…Ugh!” I groaned in frustration. I stood up and faced away from him, my arms crossed.
“Taylor, It’ll be okay. You’re worrying over nothing. I-
“No, Ed. I’ve messed up every one of my relationships. It’s certain I’ll mess this one up, too! Why are you even here?! I’m a mess! I don’t deserve you!” By this time, I was facing him. Hot tears were running down my face. “How do I know you aren’t like the rest of them? Everything will be going fine, then you’ll leave for someone better. Why do I keep trying?!” He stood up and reached for me, but I bolted out the door. Then out the front door. I ran down to the little creek I would go to with my friends when I was younger. I climbed up a few rocks by the water and sat with my arms around my knees. I just sat there, thinking and sobbing. Why do I do this? Why do I push people away?
I sit and think back to my previous relationships. When I thought everything was going great, they left. They cheated, or lied, leaving me alone to wonder where I went wrong. But with Ed this would be different. I know he wouldn’t cheat. Ed’s amazing. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and it seems mutual. But I know I’ll mess up and make him leave for someone better.
The rocks I sat on were freezing, since it was December. I hug my body for warmth. The tears won’t stop coming, for I know everything I have will be gone by tomorrow.
“Taylor!” I heard him call me. It sounded distant. Part of me wanted him to find me. Take me back. Love me. But I get so scared when it comes to love now. I don’t even know myself anymore. I’m not the hopeless romantic I used to be. I wouldn’t exactly consider myself “fearless” anymore, as I had taught thousands of girls to be a few years back.
”Taylor!” his voice sounded closer than before. I didn’t try to cover my cries. I made up my mind by this time: I wanted him to find me. I imagined him to find me, and comfort me. He’ll make me feel so confident about us, that I may just trust him. Of course I’ll trust him, no doubt. He’ll kiss me until I’m 100% sure about us. That isn’t exactly what happened.
“Taylor! I was worried sick. Come down here.” I climbed down slowly. I was only wearing shorts and a tank top in the winter weather. I was sure as hell ready to feel his strong, warm arms around me.
I hopped to the ground. He grabbed my wrists, gripping them tightly, making me squeal.
“Taylor!” He yelled at me. “Why do you have to do this?! I DO care about you, and I DO love you. I thought we were okay. We haven’t fought in months. What’s your problem?!” His eyes were dark and angry. My wrists hurt and my bare feet that were numb before, starting hurting and turning a purple color. We stood in the snow, so I felt like cutting my feet off, they hurt so bad.
“How come when everything seems to be going fine, you have to get all dramatic and RUIN IT?!” he was yelling really loudly by now, still gripping my wrists.
“E-Ed…your hurting me…” he looked at me for a second. He noticed the pain and fear in my eyes. His face changed from anger to confusion, to realization, to regret. He released me from his grip and lowered his voice to a whisper.
“Taylor…” I stepped away from him. He pulled me into his warm body.
“Oh my god you’ve got to be freezing. What did I just do? I’m sorry. I love you so much and I…”
“There’s my Ed.” I said. A small smile appeared on his lips. He picked me up and brought me back to the house.
He placed me on the bed and tucked me in, before getting in next to me. He took my hands to examine my wrists. There were purple marks around them. It would bruise, for sure.
I looked at his eyes. Regret. He wished he hadn’t done it. He’s afraid I won’t trust him, which I always will. I still love him more than anything, and I have to let him know that.
“Taylor I…I didn’t mean to. I would never hurt you. I’m so sorry I yelled at you and hurt you. I don’t know what came over me and I…” I pressed my lips to his. He responded immediately, by cupping my face in his hands. “I…love…you…so…much.” I said to him, between each kiss.
