crybaby: his life + a phan au [REWRITING]

- | Milk and Cookies pt. 1 | -

First of all, I can't function because Connor's new video released my inner Tronnor. And when he said 'is my husband hot?', my girlfriend was there reading TFIOS (again) and shouted, 'Honey, yes. Troye is very hot,'

I'm so thankful to have sassy-troyler as a girlfriend. Even though her actual username says 'Troyler', IDGAF. (She lowkey ships Tronnor so bless.)

Okay, I'm super hyped about this chapter, this will be terrible though.

See how many Troye references you can get ;)

Milk and Cookies pt. 1 of 2

I was woken up by the sound of shouting. It was stil, night time.

It was the ice cream man, was it?

I stretched my arms and my phone 'bzz'ed.

I reached out from my pocket and touched the top of my phone, and got it out.

When you're checking your phone and night and the brightness is just, too bright.

The rays of a thousand suns, I've seen it.

I turned it on and saw a text notification from Adrian.

Dan, where the fuck are you and Melanie?!

In an ice cream van. Kidnapped. I replied and Adrian replied almost instantly

WHAT THE FUCK?! I'M SO WORRIED, WHERE ARE YOU??

Chill, don't worry. We'll find our way out.

ARE U FOR REAL

SHHHH. Just shut up. We're going to find our way out, shuuuush.

OKAY FINE I TRUST YOU, I'm going to bed now. I JUST WATCHED SOME ANIME AND I THINK I'M GAY.

Well, they're not my choices.

I THINK I'M SEXUALLY AROUSED BY ALL THE BOYS FROM FREE. SLAY ME.

Symptoms of an Otaku.

ANIME TURNS ME ON WHICH IS SO ??? FOR ME.

OKAY. I don't need a whole conversation about 'Adrian's Anime Arousal Anecdote"

All A's... hmmm... okay bye!!!

Byee :]

I turned off my phone and drifted off to sleep.

-

"...do I have to?" I heard someone in a female voice say,

MELANIE.

I woke up and got up from the floor.

"Ah, you've woken up. GET TO CLEANING!" I swiftly fixed myself and ran to the freezer area. Melanie went there, too.

I saw a box and it was moving, I read what the label said,

"HAMSTERS" (this idea popped to my mind DON'T JUDGE ME AND I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE)

What?

I opened it and saw cute hamsters, they had different colored eyes which was unusual.

I saw the writing on the inside of the box,

"Blue eyes - Phoebe

Brown eyes - Striker

Black eyes - Ben" (SKDKKSKDSLSLKDKS)

Oh, okay. Ben was sitting in the corner and rocking backwards and forwards.

Like he was traumatised or saw something very wrong.

"Cute," I commented.

"OH, Dan. You do not want to know what I saw last night,"

"What?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"Well," she shuddered.

"I was gonna get ice cream from this freezer room to piss the guy off, but when I went here, he h-ha..." she looked very traumatised.

"W-what?"

"H-he-he had a hamster stuck on his arse." She looked done and sick. Disgusting.

"WHAT?! WHY?!" That shit was the most disturbing thing I have ever heard.

"I don't know,.. it's... GAHHH!" She was all cring-y and shuddery and disgusted.

"Let's not talk about that, let's just talk about... Life's Unanswerable Questions!" I smiled, masking the distaste and disgust, why the fuck would you stick up a hamster up your asshole?!

"Okay, okay. I would rather talk about deep shit than disgusting shit." (Honestly, same) she agreed.

"Okay, so... if Mars had an earthquake, wouldn't it be called a Marsquake?" I asked,

"Stupid, but, hmm?" Melanie trailed off,

"Okay! My turn! If a person says 'I always lie.' Are they telling the truth?"

"Mindfuck, my turn. If the Earth is the third planet in the Solar System, does that make every country A-Third-World planet?" I asked.

"Uh, well.. okay, my turn! What do blind people see in their dreams? And if a deaf person is born deaf, then what language is the little voice inside their head speak?" She was sending me some deep shit.

"If Spongebob is absorbant, and lives in Bikini Bottom, isn't he just a tampon?" What the actual fuck did I just ask?

"Disgustiing, but if tomatoes (toh-mah-tos, that's how I say it...) are a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?" She replied,

"Hmm.. if Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?" (I forgot the other one which is about alcohol. SOO, skip!)

"Good point. If being hipster is mainstream, and... I'm not a hipster, does that make me a hipster?" These questions were utterly, perfectly, precisely, stupid.

"Well... okay, but when we get the fuck out of here, we need to ask Tyler this..." she paused.

"What?"

"On Halloween, does Lady Gaga dress... normally?"

"Definitely. And, why does being 'up for something' means the same thing as 'down for something. Like, "yeah, I'm up for that.", "yeah, I'm down for that."?"

"If you try and fail, and you succeed. Which one have you done?"

"Also, it can never be 'Opposite Day', well, if it is, then... it isn't." Deep shit, Mel.

"Haha! I've got a good one, but answer this, out loud." I grinned.

"Yeah, hit me up?"

"If a quiz makes you quizzical, then what does a test make you?"

She straight up said,

"Testicle! Oh shit, NO! Goddamn it!" She laughed it off.

"That's why you should think about what you say."

"GET BACK TO WORK AND STOP TALKING!" the guy shouted.

"Yes! Okay... geez."

[ changed book cover May 2nd, 2016 - 11:34 p.m - Monday ]