Genderfluid

Gender Stuff

Sometimes I wonder if it's easy to tell when I'm being sarcastic in my writing.

So! This week has been a week of reflection! And discomfort! I started writing in a different chapter about the discomfort part, but I ended up not posting it. So I'll just take the relevant parts and throw it in here, like a giant chapter salad thing! Woo!

Unused Chapter Part:

I went to breakfast this morning with my Mom, Stepdad, sister, Grandma, and Step-Grandpa this morning. Now, I was already pretty out of it because I had been in a fairly decent amount of pain. I somehow managed to mess up the one part of my back that has never given me trouble before, so I was focusing on that more than anything. Well, that and food.

My grandma started to say something, and I'll be honest. I wasn't really listening at first. She and my mom had been talking a lot this morning, and most of it had just been silly gossipy stuff that I couldn't care less about. I also tuned out due to my mom chastising my sister for running around because it wasn't "lady-like", and I was trying to figure out what running and girls have in common (still can't figure that one out).

Back to the story, you're getting off topic. Again.

So, there I was, cutting up a muffin, ignoring my grandma. But then she said something that caught my attention. Which is good, because it directed everyone's attention to me, and I'd be in trouble if they caught me actively ignoring them.

She said, "To the future mothers."

Alrighty, thanks past me. I'll take it from here. I wrote this on Mother's Day, by the way. So yeah, my grandma referred to me as a future mother, and it made me feel uncomfortable. First off, I had already been forced to wear a dress, so I was already feeling a bit off (I had been identifying as a demiboy at the time).

As someone who isn't out to the general public, or my family, I am always referred to as a girl. Even by people who know, because they don't want to out me to other people. (I take that back. I have a friend who switches between calling me Mikaela and calling me Thomas, but that's because he calls me his son. But then our other friends call me their mom, so the pronouns are constantly being switched. I'm not out to any them, however. Well... oh I'll just explain that situation here in a minute.) This causes a lot of dysphoria, because I actually don't identify as a girl that often. When I do, it's typically short lived, and then I'm back to being adrogyne or agender or a boy or some mixture of things. With my family, it usually doesn't bother me, because I'm well aware that even if I came out they would only ever use female pronouns with me.

But something about this was different.

Maybe because it was future tense? Or maybe just because I really don't have an interest in having any kids. Even if I do, I wouldn't want to carry them (pregnancy does not interest me AT. ALL. Unless my partner is dead set on one of us being pregnant and they can't be for whatever reason, it's not happening. I would much rather adopt, anyway. That options always been more appealing to me.), and I don't know what they would even call me. There isn't really a gender neutral parental term that I've ever been informed of (not that I've really looked, that much). That being said, I would prefer paternal names over maternal (I would prefer to be called "dad" instead of "mom"). Even when identifying as a girl, I still feel fairly strong about that. I do have those friends that call me their mother but it doesn't bother me for some reason? They also switch between calling me Tom (by the way, I don't care for that nickname. At all. I'd much rather just be called Thomas) and Mikaela depending on how they're referring to me.

I probably shouldn't have let that whole thing bother me. It's kind of silly, I guess? I don't know...

Moving on.