Genderfluid

Life and Thoughts

First off the exciting thing:

I got my hair cut!

I used to have hip-length hair (I had wanted to cut it forever but I couldn't due to family) and it's now closer to my jawline. It isn't exactly how short I had wanted to go, but I guess in hindsight it's better to ease into shortening your hair (or at least, it is when your family is very much so against you cutting it in the first place).

So I'm really happy about that, it's so much easier to take care of now than it was before.

I've been feeling pretty feminine for about a week now, which has been a little weird. Normally when I'm feeling a certain way for a long period of time I feel agender. It's been weird being on one definitive end of the spectrum for this long.

Other than that, I've just been helping my sister move into her apartment. It's ridiculously hot outside and her apartment is on the second floor, so I've been carrying a lot of stuff upstairs which is killing my already-destroyed-back (I forgot my back brace at my mom's house because I'm an idiot), which has just been absolutely wonderful. I've also been trying to keep 3 of her 4 kids from disturbing the neighbors downstairs (why do kids love running and jumping so much??) and from falling through the wide gaps in the banisters, so that's been interesting as well.

Can I just take a moment to talk about how annoying it is to pack for trips?

Just because I'm feeling feminine now doesn't mean I will in a few days time, so trying to pack things that won't make me feel uncomfortable or dysphoric is really difficult when I don't know how I'm going to be feeling. It ends up turning into "How many gender neutral outfits can I pull out of this closet". But then you have to worry about "Am I going to want to bind?" and then you need to account for that, packing shirts you wear while binding (I read somewhere that it's best to have a few designated shirts to wear while binding so that if someone notices you don't have a chest suddenly, you can just say it must be how the shirt fits and then they'll just come to expect it from that shirt. Or... something like that. I can't really remember where I heard that now...). But then sometimes you want to look traditionally feminine or traditionally masculine (which is already hard enough to do thanks to family) so it isn't always the best idea to just pack gender neutral things.

Basically, packing things is a pain.

The other day I stumbled across some weird "article" (it wasn't an article so much as a "this is my opinion and I'm going to present it as fact") the other day about how certain identities and sexualities were made up. I read through it because 2 of the things it mentioned were pansexual and genderfluid. It was heavily opinionated and written like a poor attempt of some persuasive argumentative essay hybrid. Despite its poor quality, it still made me feel down (reading stuff like that always does that). Out of curiosity, or maybe I was subconsciously trying to push myself into a deeper feeling of suffering (thanks, brain) I decided to read through some of the comments and see if people agreed with what was being said. And, much to my surprise, people didn't. Out of maybe 50 comments I skimmed through, only 1 seemed to agree. Which was really, really good. The majority of the people bashed the post for being so negative and rude, and pointed out some of the definitions were wrong, and that the author hadn't bothered to do their research.

Anyway, I need to go finish helping my sister move.

-M (girl)