Never Told A Lie (Phan fiction)

Chapter 14

Suppressing all the guilt and shame Dan feels towards the things he did to Phil and also towards the boy himself is a lot easier than it should be and Dan is well aware that ignoring everything isn’t not going to get him anywhere but he simply isn’t ready to confront his feelings just yet because what he’s feeling is so fucking terrifying and new and Dan can’t handle it. Can’t seem to handle anything nowadays. Because everything is so fucking confusing and complicated and when did things stop being easy? When did Dan start caring about other people? When did he stop doing whatever he wants regardless to someone else’s feelings?

But okay, maybe he feels bad about Phil as it has only now sunken in that he has actually broken someone, broken their heart because seeing someone cry as a result of his actions isn’t something Dan is used to seeing and while he has done similar things before, has slept with people and then dropped them, it has never actually affected anyone. The girls and guys he has fucked are used to all this, are used to having one-night stands and changing their partners. They don’t care one bit if Dan fucks them and then moves on with his life and doesn’t call them or whatever.

But Phil- Well, Phil fucking isn’t used to it all and he actually liked Dan, trusted him enough to have his first time with him and Dan just played with him and his feelings and it’s so, so horrible that Dan  starts thinking about that all only now. He should have considered that way before letting things get so out of hand, should have thought about the consequences this bet has because now everything is kind of really fucked up and he broke Phil’s heart and Dan is just so, so mad at himself.

And he is fucking stupid and dumb as well because he keeps denying everything and he keeps making up excuses just so he won’t have to face the consequences and life would be a hell lot easier if Dan just finally admits that maybe he really likes Phil as well-

But of course he won’t. Because Dan is just fucking stubborn and he doesn’t like change and he’d prefer things to stay the same and that’s just fucking ridiculous because ever since he started talking to Phil things have been changing but he has just been too caught up in everything to notice.

And now- well, now Dan is just in too deep and even only scratching the surface seems fucking terrifying and he wouldn’t even dare trying it.

-

It’s only Tuesday and the last time Dan has had alcohol was hardly two days ago and he doesn’t even like drinking that much but still it seems to be exactly what he craves right now. Getting drunk just for the sake of forgetting everything for a little while.

And Dan usually isn’t one to overly consume alcohol for no other reason than to get drunk but he’s realised some time ago that just that seems to help him whenever he is stressing about things. And damn, if Dan isn’t stressing right now.

So he really has a perfectly fine excuse for throwing some clothes on and leaving his empty house at 10pm on a school’s night.

-

It’s cold outside, comfortably cold for a mild November evening, but way too cold for anyone to go around in only jeans and a t-shirt and Dan really should have taken a jacket with him because all he is looking for is alcohol and not pneumonia. (In reality, however, Dan just really doesn’t give a shit anymore.)

And Dan really hasn’t planned out the whole getting drunk thing at all because it’s Tuesday and no one throws parties on Tuesdays and Dan isn’t old enough to get into a club because the clubs in his town suck and are very strict with IDs and shit and how is he supposed to get drunk and maybe fuck some girl now?

-

Luck kind of seems to be on Dan’s side, however, because just when he is about to quit his mindless strolling through the deserted streets, his phone rings and the screen says Alex and Dan really can’t stand Alex most of the time because he is as much as a douchebag as any other guy on the football team ibut he accepts the call anyway because it’s Alex and Alex only ever calls him when he wants Dan to come to a party.