Never Told A Lie (Phan fiction)

Chapter 19

It’s not really surprising that Phil starts to cry, Dan has to admit. He was actually expecting it to happen a lot sooner, and that does by no way mean that he thinks Phil is weak or anything but Phil- he is just a very emotional person. And Dan’s heart aches as he remembers that one time he made Phil cry by accident and then comforted him afterwards, had his arms slung around him. And Dan really wants to do that right now.

Instead, however, because he is scared Phil might not want to be held by him, Dan settles on sitting down on the chair nearest to Phil, gently taking the boy’s hand into his own, after carelessly throwing his bag onto the floor. Dan isn’t quite sure what to do now, on one side he feels like he should fill the silence in some way, try to cheer Phil up, but on the other side- Phil might need some time to process everything and maybe silence is the better option in this case.

Dan sighs quietly, draws patterns onto the back of Phil’s hand, light brushes of his finger tips that are barely tangible. He still hopes it’s going to calm Phil a little bit though, or at least show him that Dan is here for him and leave him again.

“Do you realize how much this hurts? How damn much-” Phil speaks eventually, voice croaky and tearful, and Dan wants to say Yes I do realize that, my heart feels like it’s been fucking smashed, but he doesn’t. He just sits and holds Phil’s trembling hand.

“I’ve wanted- I’ve wanted to hear these words ever since I’ve fallen for you.” Phil continues, and just like the words fall easily from his lips, so do the tears from his eyes. “Phil, I’m in love with you.” He mocks. “I’ve always wondered if you felt like this, if you liked me the way I liked you.” He laughs harshly. “And now? Now I have exactly what I wanted all along but you know what bloody sucks? It doesn’t matter anymore, because I have no idea if I can trust you.”

“I’m so, so sorry.” Dan breathes, desperately tries to hold back the tears and he isn’t usually one to cry, not really, but his emotions are so, so raw and all over the place and how is he supposed to deal with all this pain and desperation?

“I know it won’t change much, or anything-“ Dan says quietly, Phil’s gaze still directed to the floor and it hurts so much that Phil can’t even properly look at him anymore. “But I promise- no, I swear, that I am being one hundred per cent serious and honest and Phil, really, you can trust me.” Dan emphasizes, squeezes Phil’s hand. “I won’t do anything like this ever again- if you just- if you give me a second chance, I will prove to you that I’m trustworthy!”

Phil stays quiet for a very long time, tears falling, and Dan is almost certain that his words have done near to nothing to make things better because maybe he really isn’t very good at talking and making people forgive him.

“I- I don’t know…“ Phil speaks up then, all quiet and reluctant, and when he doesn’t continue Dan reaches out and gently brushes away the tears on his cheeks. It’s meant as a friendly gesture, really. (Or maybe Dan just wants to have an excuse to touch Phil’s soft skin.)

“You don’t have to decide anything now.” Dan says, not too happy with his suggestion because he would much rather know where he stands right there and then but he knows Phil is a very strong thinker and if he needs time to think everything over, Dan will give him just that. Time.

After all it’s still better to get a genuine answer than force one out of Phil, which in the end might not be what he actually wants.

“I- Okay.” Phil sighs in relief and Dan feels kind of really bad for stressing him so much. “I will tell you once I know and stuff.” Phil smiles timidly at Dan and it’s almost reassuring; as if he’s trying to say don’t worry so much, you will be fine.