Never Told A Lie (Phan fiction)

Chapter 18

When Dan wakes up from his nap he is pretty damn confused, to say the least. The last time he remembers taking an afternoon nap was when he was seven or eight years old and even then he doesn’t remember feeling even slightly as odd as he does now, and if Dan had known the effects of his nap beforehand, he really wouldn’t have gone to bed at all because now his head hurts and he doesn’t feel rested at all, rather more tired than before.

And if that isn’t enough, for a short moment Dan is in the foolish belief that things are okay with Phil and that he could go meet him today- and Dan kind of wants to cry now because his heart aches for Phil and only Phil and he can do as much as nothing about it. Because Phil hates him – despises him – and Dan is nothing but a fuck-up.

And okay- maybe Dan could try to fix things if he at least attempted to talk to Phil but even the mere thought of it makes Dan feel sick to the stomach because he remembers their last encounter, trembling lips and falling tears and Dan knows what he has seen was nothing, nothing compared to how Phil might react if they actually sat down and talked. Because Phil has every fucking right in the world to hate Dan and to punch him and to insult him and-

Dan sighs because he knows as much as he would deserve all those things, Phil would never, no matter how fucking hurt he is, use violence or even only words to hurt Dan, because Phil is good – so, so fucking good – and he is pure and innocent and Dan hates himself so much for fucking Phil over. And he is a bloody wimp as well because he doesn’t even have the courage to explain things to Phil and it makes Dan feel even worse because Phil probably thinks that Dan only spent time with him to win his bet, and maybe it was like that in the beginning but now- now it’s so much more and Dan is in love with Phil and he really should stop being such a pussy and talk to Phil.

(But Dan knows he won’t do that because he is so damn afraid of how Phil will react and at least now he can still revel in sweet, sweet ignorance because he would much rather stay in uncertainty than find out things he cannot live with.)

Pushing the duvet to the side, Dan lets the cold air hit his bare skin and he really regrets leaving the window open now because it’s bloody November and wearing nothing but underwear and cold November air doesn’t mix very well. Dan lets out an annoyed sigh and throws his bed covers over his shoulders, much like some sort of cape, before striding over to his wardrobe and grabbing the biggest and comfiest jumper he owns. However, even after putting it on, Dan still can’t help but shiver at the coldness in his room – though he isn’t sure if it’s really only the coldness to blame.

-

It’s half past four when Dan hears the doorbell ring and first he panics a little bit because he really doesn’t want to talk to his mum right now, but then he realizes that his mum has a key and wouldn’t need to use the doorbell.

It’s Chris on his front porch instead and now that Dan thinks about it, it makes quite a lot of sense since he told him he would come and pick him up.

“You feeling any better?” Chris asks immediately, eyeing Dan up and down only to raise his eyebrow at the duvet-cape, he has yet to discard.

Dan shrugs, grips the duvet to keep it from falling to his feet because although he looks ridiculous, he is still bloody cold. “I’m fine.”

Chris shakes his head. “Be honest, Dan.”

Dan sighs, takes a step back to let Chris inside. “I am fine though.” He insists. “I just- I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about Phil.”

Chris smiles at him pitifully, holds his arms out for Dan and they hardly ever hug but Dan is kind of really in the need for a long hug from his best friend, so he just lungs forward and buries his head in Chris’ shoulder, hands twisted into the back of his coat.