broken + phan AU [ON HOLD]

☕Chapter 13☕

*first person Phil woop woop*

I felt worried sick.

Dan wasn't answering my phone calls, and Sarah wasn't too.

I was pacing in my room, thinking of what I should do.

Then I got an idea.

I quickly bolt up to my room and grab a coat.

As I put the coat on, warmth and a feel of relief was transferred in my body.

Why should I be relieved?

Dan may be in trouble?

I always knew Dan was depressed. By the way he talks when we're on the phone.

You can clearly hear the soft sobs coming from him.

He told me that I should stay out of his problems if I don't want to have a messy life.

But I do want to have a messy life, if that's what I'll have to go through just to help him.

He doesn't realise that I went through the same thing as him. But thank God(i was taught to capitalise G in God so uhm erm) they stopped.

//flashback: trigger warning: cutting //

"Just slit them Phil. Nobody cares. Nobody. Your own sister killed herself cause she was tired of you. Sick of you." The voices hissed in unision.

"No! My sister wasn't tired of me! They love me!" I screamed out loud, covering my ears and dropping the razor.

"Are you sure about that, Phil? Are you sure? No. You're not. Can you look through her thoughts? No. You can't. She probably hid all of her emotions cause she was a good person. She didn't want to mess up your life more. But what have you done? You've ended AND messed up hers!" The voices let out a cackle.

"No, no, no! You have no right of saying that. You don't even respect their pronouns! My sister hates being called a she... I've respected them, they love me... right?" I asked myself.

"No Phil, she was tired of you, sick of you. You were so arrogant, so selfish, so self-centered. Pathetic you, can't even save his own sister." The voices spat.

"Y'know what? I don't believe any of you. But I'm gonna cut myself anyways, to numb the pain..." I replied to myself.

"You don't BELIEVE us? We're helping you, supporting you. Just cut yourself. You're right, to numb the pain. Hah, you being right. That's a first." They chuckled.

I stood up from my position and bent down to grab the razor.

Was I sure I wanted to do this?

"Yes, slit those wrists."

And so I did, I slide the metallic, sharp object on my pale skin. I saw blood already coming out. It felt bad, but it was numbing. The red liquid, dripping on the ground. I continue pushing harder, and it didn't hurt now.

[can i just point out that cutting is like penetration? i'm a virgin but y'know. it hurts at first but then it feels better? idk if that's what penetration feels like, but i know what sliding razors and knives on your wrists feel like, and I'm proud of myself cause I'm now 2 months clean so yahooo!(.com)]

It felt good, I deserved this. I now realised that the voices were right. I was just a giant problem for my sister. They probably gave up on me cause I was stupid.

//flashback end//

I decided not to go, Dan was probably busy.

I took off my coat and put it back on the hanger.

I don't like Dan Howell.

I love him.

:)

- ally x

[I JUST REALISED CHAPTER 12 WASNT PUBLISHED IF U WANNA READ THAT IT'S AVAILABLE NOW BUT IT'S V V CRAPPY CAUSE IT'S JUST SONG REFERENCES]