Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Alchohol Jokes

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer", he says She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman!"

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.  He stays like that for half of an hour.  Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.  The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."  "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.  First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.  My boss, outrageous, fires me.  When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.  The police said that they can do nothing.  I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."  I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.  I leave home, and come to this bar.  And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.  "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.  "How does it work?"  "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For goodness sake, you idiot, it's 2am in the morning!!"

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.  Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."  The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.  Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."  The bartender gives him one.  Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."  He gets it.  The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."  The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"  and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.  After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.  Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.  She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.  You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying man told you I was speeding too.

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing.  He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there.  He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box". The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer." So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano.  The little man starts playing the piano! Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?" The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer."  So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp" The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer." The man says "Oh, Okay!" The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out! The geenie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?" The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.  "What the heck is this! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!" And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!"