Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Money Jokes #2

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."  Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job.  If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.  On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000.  He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.  The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is.  The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

"Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?" "Five bucks, sir." "And how much for my suitcase?" "No charge for the suitcase, sir." "Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. The thief was spending less then his wife.

A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he's at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.  The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby. The frightened investor was amazed!  "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.  They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"  "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

'The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing.  It's called the stock market.' 

An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."