Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Math Jokes

Son: Dad, it's so cold in here! Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.

I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon.  After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.  They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?" After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon."  The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician."  The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?" "Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my math class: it would seem so much longer.

Student: What's infinity?  Math Teacher: Think of a number.  Student: Okay, I've got one.  Teacher: Good. That's not it.

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean.  Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.  The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out." The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.  They both scream, "What are you doing?" To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ? The logician replies: "yes".

Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories: 1)Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever. 2)Parallel lines who were never meant to meet. 3)Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland.  The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist.  "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."

Teacher: Your behaviour reminds me of square root of 2?  Student: Why?  Teacher: Because its' completely irrational.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he's lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?" "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you're hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians" "Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?" "I am! But how did you know?" "Everything you've told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it's no use to me at all!" "Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?" "Geeze! How'd you know that?" "You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you're in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Q: How do mathematicians induce good behavior in their children?  A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted.  "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister. "No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."

Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8? Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.  They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole.  It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.  When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.  The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can.  Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."

Two statisticians go bird hunting. The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet. The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet. They both give each other a high-five and say "Got it!"  

Q: What did one math book say to the other?  A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!

Math puns are the first sine of madness.