Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Military Jokes

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.  He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.  The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.  It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.  Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.  Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:  "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.  Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning." "Thank you very much, sir."

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.  "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."  "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."  "No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.  "Never better."  The manager was impressed.  No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"  "Nope, I shut him up in no time."  Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.  "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.  However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.  One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .  He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.  The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear".

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.  Put up your hand if you are the laziest."  24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"  The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office.  "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals.  We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.  You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.  We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"  General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What!  Son, where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.  Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it.  When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it.  The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services?  This hatred?  This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

The Captain called the Sergeant in.  "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.  Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.  "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.  Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.  The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.  Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.  "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.  Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died.  You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.  "Ok, men, fall in and listen up.  Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.  NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"