Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Insults

The insults below are meant to be read and then laughed at/or used jokingly. Please do not bully or put down anyone with any of these insults.

I'd give you a nasty look but you've already got one.

If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.

If I wanted a bitch, I'd have bought a dog.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

You're so fat you could sell shade.

Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?

Your lips keep moving but all I hear is "Blah, blah, blah."

Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

You'll never be the man your mother is.

Just because you have one doesn't mean you need to act like one.

I'm sorry, was I meant to be offended? The only thing offending me is your face.

Someday you'll go far... and I hope you stay there.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

Stupidity's not a crime, so you're free to go.

If I had a face like yours I'd sue my parents.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

No, those pants don't make you look fatter – how could they?

Save your breath – you'll need it to blow up your date.

You're not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking.

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

The zoo called. They're wondering how you got out of your cage?

Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.

Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down.

Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.

Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.

You're so ugly when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away.

When you were born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to your dad, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

I'm sorry I didn't get that – I don't speak idiot.

Quick – check your face! I just found your nose in my business.

It's better to let someone think you're stupid than open your mouth and prove it.

Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.

Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?

I've been called worse by better.

You're such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition.

I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bull.

Don't you get tired of putting make up on two faces every morning?

I'd slap you but I don't want to make your face look any better.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

Gay? I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.

If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?

You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

I'm jealous of all the people that
haven't met you.

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.

I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.

You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

You better hope you marry rich.

You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, 'concentrate'.