Anchored

Jade

How could this happen? How could they be so fucking stupid? Those assholes!
I'm yelling this all in my head. He can't be dead. He just can't.
I continue to pace around the bathroom stall.
Maybe if you had checked the gate.
This is your fault, you know.
He wouldn't have gotten out.
No no no. This can't happen. This can't. It's my fault. I should have checked.
You should have gotten up and taken care of him.
You shouldn't have just left the door open for him.
But I didn't know.
My heads spinning and all I hear is ringing in my ears. I drop to the floor, my head hitting against the wall. As my vision focuses, I see them.
All of the demons in my head. They're all shadowed figures but they're here. They fill the handicapped stall. They're surrounding me, yelling these awful things.
Stupid.
Ugly.
Fat.
Worthless.
Bitch.
Retarded.
Useless.
Danny doesn't love you.
He's just using you.
You don't deserve Danny.
I feel bad for Danny.
Please please stop.
We'll never stop honey.
We're here forever.
You deserve all the hurt we can give you.
Please please don't.
Jade you're a worthless freak.
And suddenly I can't feel. It's all gone. There's no care shown in my face. All emotions are gone.
My wall is up.
I walk out of the bathroom and head to the tree I sat at before Danny and Paul. I plug my headphones into my phone and blare five finger death punch on the highest volume. I lean my head back against the tree and close my eyes, feeling absolutely nothing.
~~~
Danny violently rips my ear buds out, his face is beet red.
"Where the fuck were you?"
I sit quietly. Feeling nothing.
"Jade. We've been looking for you. Why didn't you come sit with us?"
I still sit in silence. I can't speak. My lips refuse to move.
"Why the fuck won't you talk to me?! Are you mad? Did I do something?"
Something inside me is struggling, trying to get through to him, I still feel nothing.
I'm not so sure I'm even an I right now. Is this even the real me?
This body feels nothing, this soul inside feels everything.
"Jade? What the fuck?? What's wrong with you?"
I lean forward and put my head between my knees. I need to speak. I struggle to break my wall down. It feels like a little person inside my head is slamming herself against a wall trying to bring it down.
I lift my head back up and find two demons standing next to Danny and Paul. Finally a tiny croak escapes my lips. I stand up and run into Danny's arms, whispering I'm sorry over and over to him.
"Shhh...it's okay baby. It's okay."
"No its not. I'm so sorry Danny.  I hurt you. I made you mad."
"No, no. Beautiful, I overreacted. You're having your own struggles right now. I should have been more understanding. Can you tell me what's wrong, Kitten?"
"Mac's dead. When I left the door open for him the landscapers had forgotten to lock the gate. He ran out into the street and got hit."
"Oh my god. Baby!"
I bury my head into his chest and sob.
"It's my fault. Mac died because of me."
"Baby, it's not your fault. It's the landscapers. It's not yours."
"But...they say it is...if I had just checked the gate..."
"Who's they?"
"The demons. They yell at me."
"Its doesn't matter what they say baby. I'm here. I'm never leaving you. It's okay."
"Can you take me to the office? I need to get out of here."
"Of course Kitten."