The Mix Tapes // n.h. {Watty Awards 2013}

Cassette 6; side A

'Well it didn't work. My failed suicide attempt. Wow, never thought I would say that.

You know what the sad thing is though? Is that I wasn't always like this. I was once just a happy, slightly broken, girl who worked in a small town music shop and was saving up money to go to collage in Paris. I actually at one point did have my life together and I actually was okay. I guess the keyword there is 'was'.

Gosh, what happened, Niall? I know what happened. You happened. You and your cocky little know it all smirk and your beautiful blue dazzling eyes and your amazingly cute blonde, almost brown hair. You happened.

The thing is though is that I don't think anyone has really grasped the concept of why you broke me so much. Do you even grasp it? You broke me so much, Niall, because you were my idol. You, Niall Horan, were my hero. You actually saved my life once or twice. You actually stopped me from committing suicide. How ironic is it that you are now the reason I want to commit suicide? But the thing is though that I don't want to commit suicide over a boy, a silly stupid little boy, no I want to commit suicide over a boy who was my idol, my hero. I want to commit suicide over a boy who once saved me, but only to then hurt me more then I could possibly imagine. I want to commit suicide over a boy who broke me and tore me apart and didn't even care that he was doing so. I want to commit suicide over a boy who laughed in my face and called me horrid things, that only confirmed my worst thoughts about myself, whom I only loved and adored. That's who I want to commit suicide over. Not some boy.

Ugh, I just wish this would all go away. Everything. I just want to forget everything, especially you. You know what? I wish I had never met you. I wish you had never walked into the music store that one day and I wish I had never accepted your invitation to go out on a date. You ruined me, Niall, and it was so easy for you. How was is that easy for you to just walk away? I just... I don't understand.

........

........

Ashton has visited me. He's been here two or three times so far. I thought he would disown me and shun me because he thought I was a freak, but he didn't. He doesn't think I'm a freak and he didn't shun me. In fact this made him want to be my friend even more.

I'm a bit scared though. No, I am scared. I will admit it; I do have a crush on Ashton and I don't want him to hurt me. But the thing is though when you have a crush then you, unknowingly, open up more to that person and then they have the power to rip you apart inside and break you. I hate that he is now slowly getting that power. I hate it.

Ashton also gives me hope which scares me too. I hate hope. I loath hope. All hope does is set up to get crushed. Hope just gives you thoughts that things could finally be getting better and it gives you all theses happy, hopeful feelings and then BAM! It takes everything away and you get crush again. You become broken again. I hate it.

"Ms. Coester, it's time for your medicine, honey."

"O-Okay."

......

"Making another tape?"

"Yup."

.....

"Okay.".... "Well have fun. Finish up though, because it's almost time to see your therapist. I'll be back in a few to get you."

"Alright."

.....

Sorry that was my nurse. They put me on medicine now to even out my mood and to control my depression. Oh ya I forgot to tell you; I have depression. Although I guess that isn't much of a surprise.

I have my first appointment with my therapist today, I don't know her name, in fact I'm not even sure if it's a she.

Well I need to go now. I have to get ready for my appointment and then after Ashton is coming over so I want to at least look half presentable and that should take at least 10 minutes.

.....

....

I... um... I....

Never mind.

Love Always, Rosie.

....

....

....

I miss you and I hate myself for missing you, but I do. I miss you. The old you though. Not the you that yelled at me and laughed in my face. I miss you."

I don't really know what to think anymore, because my thoughts are all the same. It's as if they are on repeat in my head. I'm a monster, I'm horrid, I did this to her, I can't help her, yada yada yada.

I just wish I was okay again. I just wish she was okay again.

Sighing, I picked up my phone and went into my text messages and clicked on 'Rosie'. I started to compose a message that I'm almost sure she will ignore.

and with pushing the send button I couldn't take anymore. I put myself to sleep, just wishing for this day to come to an end, because I can't take it anymore.

From Niall:

You don't have to reply to this message, in fact I don't want you to, all I want to say though is I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry and if I could take everything back and fix it all I would without a second thought. I'm so so sorry, Rosie. You deserve so much better and I hope one day you can find someone who deserves you and treats you right. So right that all your fears and worries and troubles just slip away with him, because he's your "one". I truly hope someday you find that him, because you more then deserve him. And I hope that you are better and okay and fixed now. I'm not done with the tapes, but I just wanted to send you this message.

I'm sorry, Rose. I really am.

-Niall"

____________________________________________

Hi Hi! How are my cupcakes this fine night? Well I hope you liked this chapter, comment and vote please please PLEASE!

You guys have been awesome with voting (I got 30 on the last chapter and can I say *Louis Tomlinson voice* a MASSIVE thank you to every single one of you!) so PLEASE keep it up! But I would like more comments though. It makes me sad to see not a lot of cupcakes talking to me.

I am now running a contest, check out my message board on my profile if you wish to sign up, the contest deadline is THIS Tuesday so make sure to get started. If you wish for the deadline to be extended then PM me and we may be able to work something out if you really are serious about this.

So please comment, vote and sign up for the contest!

I love you, cupcakes!

-Autumn x