The Mix Tapes // n.h. {Watty Awards 2013}

Cassette 6; side B

"How in the world is that interesting?" I asked upset.

"Well because I've heard about your dad and past from Harry. From what I've heard you are nothing like him so it's just very interesting that you think you are like your dad. Why do you think that?" Reagan asked as she jotted something down in her notepad.

"Why do I think that? Because I left her when she needed me most! Because I laughed in her face and called her horrid things that made her cry! Because I made her feel worthless and awful and I made her feel just like my dad made me feel!" I said shocked at my own words. I-I didn't know I felt that way.

Reagan didn't seemed fazed at all. She simply nodded her head and wrote more things down.

"You know, Niall, just because you mess up and hurt people from time to time doesn't mean that you are anything like your father. He hurt people because he was sick. He was mentally ill and even though he may not have wanted to hurt you or your mother he did, because that's how his mind worked. He wasn't well and even though you might not be 100% you are still better then him and you don't hurt people because that's how you work nor do you hurt people out of spite or because it's fun. You simply made a mistake and that's okay. Everyone does." She explained.

"But I did hurt her because that's how I work. I remember clear as day that I thought I should hurt her and push her away so she doesn't hurt me and leave me."

"Even though you did think that it doesn't mean that you are wired that way so to say. Your dad could only think that way, you on the other hand know what you did and know that you were wrong for hurting her. You know what you did was awful and that you should've never did it, your dad doesn't feel that way and he doesn't think that what he did was wrong. You guys are complete opposites. You can feel empathy, he can't. As long as you feel empathy then you are nothing like your dad."

I nodded my head and tried to convince myself of that, but I couldn't. I simply couldn't. It just all sounded like lies. Endless lies that were nothing close to the truth. Lies that made me feel worse, because a small part of me wanted to believe her and wanted to understand, but couldn't because a small evil voice in the back of my mind wouldn't allow me.

"It's okay. I know you don't believe me and I didn't expect you to either. If you would've believed me that easily then I wouldn't have been hired in the first place." Reagan said with a comforting smile. "Would you like to listen to a tape now? I know it must be killing you not to listen to them."

A chuckle escaped my lips. it felt good to actually laugh even if it was just a small one. I smiled and nodded my head yes. "I'll go get them. One second." I said as I left the room.

I climbed up the steps and walked into my room. I pulled up the covers and got the brown box and cassette player from under the bed. I was halfway down the stairs as I suddenly got nervous. What if my worst fears were confirmed? What if I was actually just like my dad? Or worse?

I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and continued walking down the stairs and into the living room.

I sat down, put a tape in and held my breath as Reagan readied her pen.

"My appointment went... good. I guess. I was right. My therapist is a she. Nothing really happened though. I don't blame her, I was the one who wouldn't talk. She was so sweet and asked me questions and kept making sure I was okay. I like her, she is a good therapist.

Ashton visited as planned. I don't know. I think he's weird."

Rosie laughed for a minute or two.

"That's an ironic thing to say coming from me. The weirdest freak of them all. What I mean though is Ashton is weird because he's still so nice to me. He still wants to visit, in fact he planned another visit, he makes jokes and laughs with me and still.... likes me. It's so weird. My crush is growing bigger and bigger every time I see him. It's so stupid, I will see dark brown hair on a boy and get overly excited because I think it's Ashton.

He makes me feel... special. Less of a freak. He makes me feel how you made me feel just a million times better.

The therapist says since I am stable on medicine and have been for about two weeks now that I will be able to go home in the next day or so.

I'm actually excited! I don't know I just feel better. But I feel tired. I feel a lot of things and most don't even make sense.

I don't know if I should go or I should keep talking or just stop making tapes until something exciting happens.

I don't know.

I'm tired. The pills have this affect on me sometimes and I just start to ramble and never stop and it's quite odd, because it's just anti-depression pills, but then again the doctor did say that sometimes the pills will have this affect on me since I am semi new to the medication.

Ah, see. I rambled.

Well, Niall, I think I'm moving on. I'm no longer overly sad, although that might have something to do with my handy-dandy new pills, and I have a friend again, and... It's just... I can't explain how I feel. I feel light. I feel effortlessly happy.

I do miss you. I think I always will, you know, the whole first love thing. Just like I think I will always love you. I still do love you and I'm sorry for saying I hate you and screw you and all of that. I didn't mean it, I was just upset and hurt and mad, because I thought it was all my fault. I thought there was something wrong with me. Well there is and I still do think it was partially my fault, but I've made progress.

Even though you yelled at me and... well I'm not going to think about those memories. You know what you did and I know what you did and the point is that it's okay now. It's honestly okay. At times I might slip up again and yell at you, but for now it's okay, Niall, for now it honestly is.

I'm too tired and I've rambled enough so I think it's time for bed now.

I love you. I miss you.

Love Always, Rosie.

Oh wait, I forgot to tell you. My therapist's name is Reagan. Reagan Plate or Platter Or... Um.. Slate! Ya I think it's Reagan Slate. I don't know why that would matter but I thought you would like to know her name."

The cassette player clicked off and Reagan and I sat in silence. Pure, utter silence. She had forgiven me. For now anyways and that was more then I could ever ask for. As for the shocking fact that Reagan was also Rosie's therapist... well I wasn't going to focus on that right now.

A small, sad smile graced my lips and I felt.... okay.

I guess.

________________________________________

Hey! I hope you cupcakes liked this chapter! Don't forget to vote and comment please!

I am thinking of entering this in the Watty Awards if I can get to 30 pages before Nov. 6 so if y'all would vote can you let me know?

New thing: The best commenter will now get a shout-out and possibly a dedication if I love their comment that much. this is totes a gag to get you guys to comment more just fyi.

Please vote and.... ya :)

-Autumn x

P.S. I know that I didn't get 45 votes but I was dying to update. Obvos I have no self-control when it comes to writing.

P.P.S. I'm sorry if certain things are not italic or some things are when they shouldn't. my draft got messed up a bit.