Radiation Point

Thirty One

Regret surged through me the moment the door shut. Ellen's face-the hurt, the surprise-kept flashing before my eyes.
But with images of Ellen came images of the last camp.
Images of teeth tearing into my arm.
The renegades had been my death sentence. The attack on my last camp had doomed me. And yet, I was still alive.
And part of the reason I'd survived for so long was because of the renegades. The commissioner would have killed me the night I wanted to flee the camp with Mia.
It just didn't make sense.
Nothing made sense anymore.
Why would someone drop that bomb in the first place? Why was the radiation twisting people into horrific monsters? Where was our help? Other than the initial setup of the camps, there had been no aid offered.
It was as if the world were dead-or simply didn't care.
Feeling distraught, I lowered myself to the gym floor, my head in my hands. As my hair fell in my face, I pushed it away with trembling hands.
I was losing it.
Either that or the contamination was taking hold. Maybe it was both.
The door clicked open behind me and Ellen emerged from the office, holding one end of Mia's cot in her hands. Jackson carried the other end, helping Ellen set the cot down next to the wall. He left without sparing a glance in my direction. His shoulders rigid from what I could only imagine was hurt from my words.
Mia lay in the cot, her face white and her fingers gripping the edge of the thin mattress.
"You all right, Sugar?" Ellen asked Mia.
Mia nodded weakly.
"Just hang tight, darling. We'll get you more pain meds soon."
Ellen sounded so comforting. So motherly. I felt a pang. Ellen was the one good thing about coming to this camp. And I'd done nnothin but hurt her. Could she forgive me? I hadn't meant my refusal to come off so cruelly.
When Ellen turned to face me, her dark eyes clouded, as her face shifted from nurturing to a look of stoic composure.
"You said some harsh things in there."
"Ellen, I'm sorry. It's just--"
She put her hand up to stop me.
"No, it's my turn to talk."
I wilted at the rage in her face. I had never seen her look so angry.
"You put me through the ringer for being a renegade. It looks bad, I get it. But now, after everything we've been through, you still don't trust me? After all the times I was there to save your ass? You never wanted to let me in-not really. Now I know why."
"Ellen..."
"No, I'm not done," she said, her lips turned to a snarl. Stubborn pride covered her face as she balled her hands into fists. "You blamed me us; blamed me for the death of your parents. After I protected your sister. After I opened my heart to you girls and loved you like daughters. You hurt me more than my girls ever did."
"Ellen, I'm sorry. It's hard trying to figure out what to do-trying to navigate living in an adult world."
"Adult," she snorted. "You have been acting like anything but an adult. You've been selfish and closed minded. Your behavior back there was more like a spoiled, stupid child than one of an adult."
Her words pierced me like a knife, all the more painful because they were coming from her.
"I know that. Don't you think I know that? But I'm trying. For Mia. And for me. But you don't know how hard it was being 14 and watching the world crumble around you. And by 16, having both parents dead and the responsibility of protecting someone else. So yeah, I've been selfish. And stupid. But I still think I'm doing pretty damn good under the circumstances!"
Ellen went limp at my words, the anger gone from her eyes. She simply looked tired. And old. So much older than she should have looked.
"We've all been through hell," she whispered finally. "And it gets tiring. But how can we help each other if you don't let me in?" She shook her head in exasperation. "God, I don't even know your real name. Something so simple as a name!"
I stared down at my feet. Our code names were meant to keep us anonymous. They helped us stay distant from other people-other people who could hurt us. I never planned on staying at the camp for this long and getting attached to anyone.
"It's Nessa," I said, my voice sounding feeble. "Short for Vanessa, but my parents never called me that. Just Nessa."
"And Shadow?"
"Mia. Her name is Mia."
Instead of feeling lighter, I felt like I swallowed a rock. Even lowering my guard this much was painful. I'd changed so much in the two years after life ended. After the life the vibrant, confident girl knew had ended. I wasn't even the same person anymore. Now even saying my name was hard because I'd become so guarded-so calloused.
Ellen nodded, her lips puckered like she'd swallowed a lemon. She wasn't going to forgive me that easily.
"Okay, Nessa. That's a start," she said with a curt nod. "I'll be in the office for the meeting." She looked like she wanted to say more. The hurt was still palpable in the air between us, but she shrugged it off as she pushed the office door open.
"Nessa?" Mia called from her cot. Her voice sounded small and resigned. She looked so weak as she stared up at me from her cot.
"Yeah, Mia?"
"You're gonna need help. You can't leave the contaminated zone alone."
I felt myself flush at her words. Alone.
"I won't be alone," I said, sitting down on the edge of her cot. "You're coming with me, Mia. I'm not leaving you."
"Nessa," she said, her voice sounding eerily familiar to my mother's. "You know that I can't-not anymore. I can't walk."
I stared down at her legs, her useless, unmoving legs. I swallowed. I couldn't leave her. One of us had to survive. I already had a death sentence. Mia had to survive. She had to.
"That doesn't matter. I'll figure it out. I'm getting you to safety."
Mia stared at me with clear blue eyes. She looked so much older than thirteen. It was as if she knew arguing was useless. I couldn't leave my baby sister to die. Not here. Not in this camp.
"Then you'll need help," she said finally, shifting her eyes away from me. She looked shrunken and helpless. "And I can't help you, Nessa."
She was right. If Mia was going to survive, I would need help. And there was only one group since the bomb dropped that had offered help.
The renegades.
"Then I'll join the renegades."
The words felt hollow in my throat. After all the anger and resentment I'd harbored towards them, those were words I'd never thought I'd say. And yet, as I looked at my sister's frail frame, I realized it was her only option of survival.
And that was all that mattered now.
"You're dying, aren't you, Nessa?"
Her words snapped my attention back to her. Her face was pain filled, her eyes brimming with tears and her lips trembling.
I wanted to lie to her. I wanted to tell her that my wound was healing and the contamination wasn't affecting me. But it was. Even though it was affecting me slower than everyone else, I could still feel the radiation pulsing through me.
"Yeah," I said, not meeting her eyes. "I got bit. You know that, Mia."
"But you haven't changed yet. Maybe you won't."
The hopeful tone in her voice was painful. As the months went by after I got bit, I used to hold onto that hope. I hadn't changed. Maybe I could still survive. But I knew the truth now.
"People always change after getting bit, Mia."
Her hand snaked out to grasp mine, her tiny fingers winding around mine.
"You have to fight, Nessa. Promise me that you'll at least fight to survive. Please," she said, tears streaming down her face. She looked so pale and distraught. Mia didn't have things easy. She already lost both her parents. The use of her legs. And now, she knew she was losing her sister, too.
"I promise, Mia. I'll fight until the end-for both of us," I said, resting my head on hers. I could feel her trembling beneath me, as sobs shook her.