Best of Me

SEVENTEEN

Weeks on weeks on weeks have passed and I guess you could say Shawn and I are back to where we used to be, but I still have my doubts and lately he hasn't been helping me with them. Today is our very last show of On the Run and Lord knows this has been an amazing experience. The kids have grown closer to their father again, but divorce is still in my mind. God, I hope I'm able to change my mind after this show.

"Aye you okay?" Shawn asked looking at me as we stepped on the rising platform and I shook my head. "What's wrong?" I sighed and decided to go ahead and say it. "I don't know if I still want to be in this marriage." The song started and I got back into my mode. I could tell Shawn was thrown off and I know I should've told him after the show. The beginning of the show was just like it's usual.

As soon as it got to Drunk In Love ending I just stared at the camera instead of responding to Jay's actions. I could tell he was a little thrown off because he held me harder and tried to suck on my neck harder. The lights went out and he looked me in my eyes. "I love you." When I didn't say it back his grip slowly softened. I think it's over for us now.

Singing Ex-Factor truly described Jay and I's situation. "There for me, there for me,Said you'd be there for me, Cry for me, cry for me, You said you'd die for me." I sung looking at the side of the stage where Shawn was. I love Shawn, I really do, but you need more than love to be in a marriage. You need trust and security. I didn't feel that with him anymore and I don't want to be this kind of example for my daughter.

The show went by faster then expected and I know tonight was going to be the last night that Shawn and I will be exclusive. Tonight is the last night, I will claim the name Carter. Looking at the videos of the kids and Shawn made me want to cry. We were happy. We were in love. As we were saying our thank you's I decided to give Jay a little shout out.

I got a little teary eyed and I wiped them when Shawn came and hugged me. "I'm sorry. I love you Bey." I shook my head and laughed it off. Shawn said what he had to say, but the thing that stuck with me is when he said. "The woman I love." It means a lot to me, but we need more than love.

We walked off stage together. People tried to congratulate us, but I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted to fly back home and see my babies. I walked into my dressing room and tried to shut the door, but it was stopped by Shawn. I stared at him as he shut and locked the door staring back at me. "What do you mean you don't know if you want to be in this marriage anymore?" I felt the tears start to come to me and I frowned. 

"You want a divorce?" I walked to my purse and pulled out the papers and threw them at Shawn's feet. He looked down and looked back at me with tears. "I said I was sorry." His voice cracked and my eyes streamed down my face. "Sorry isn't enough Shawn." He picked the papers up again and looked through them and seen I signed them. "I love you Beyonce. I know I can't change what I did, but I don't want to lose you. I thought we were getting back to where we was. I-I thought you was falling back in love with me." He groaned out looking down at the papers.

My heart tore into pieces and I shook my head. "I love you Shawn, believe me I do, but I'm not in love with you anymore. I just love the thought of it." Shawn sniffled and looked at me with those eyes. Those eyes. The eyes that made me fall in love with him. "You remember the first time we wet?"

"Ugh Kelly no I don't want to be here." I groaned looking at the stares we were getting. "Girl we haven't been out since you and big head broke up. So shake that shit off and let's have fun." I sat down in the lounge and kept someone stare at me. I looked at the other side of the club and seen Jay-Z staring at me. I kind of smirked because he wasn't paying any attention to the girl in his lap. 

He gestured me to come over with his head and shook my head smiling. I got up and went down to the dance floor to dance with Kelly. We were dancing getting everyone's attention. "Aye fuck it up, fuck it up." Kelly yelled as I belly rolled and shook my ass. The song went off and everyone clapped and cheered. I blushed and hugged Kelly. "Let's go to the bar. All that dancing made me thirsty." I laughed and followed Kelly to the bar.

Before I could fully reach I felt someone grab my arm. I turned around to hit them, but stopped when I realized who it was. "Didn't want to interrupt you while you was dancing so I waited from a far." Jay said slowly letting go of my arm. "How may I help your Mr. Carter?" Damn, I like the way his last name sound. It sound professional as hell. "Well if you join me in a drink then you could help me." He smirked looking down at me. He look so damn fine I swear. "Okay one drink and that's it." Jay smiled and gestured me to go to the bar. "Ladies first." I smirked and twisted my way to the bar.

"Of course I remember Shawn." I cried wiping my tears. "That was the day I declared you was going to have my last name, baby. Do you remember the first time we made love?" He croaked taking small steps away toward me.

I giggled and ran away from Jay hiding under the covers. "Hmm I wonder where my beautiful girlfriend is? Is she in the bathroom? No, she not there. What about the bathroom? Nah my baby ain't there. Maybe I should just lay down." Jay fell on top of me and I laughed and tried to push him off of me. "Jaaaaayy get up." I heard him laugh and switch positions.

"Is that my girlfriend I hear?" He took the covers off my head and I laughed at his goofy smile. "Hey babe I missed you so much. I'm glad I found you." Jay smirked and leaned down to give me a kiss. "Now since I found you, let's what a movie." He climbed out of bed then put in Love and Basketball then layed down behind me holding me. Love and Basketball is my favorite movie and it honestly makes me horny in some parts.

Thing is Jay knows when I get horny and which parts make me horny. We watched this movie I think 5 times together, now would make 6. Their first time came up and I squirmed a bit. Jay tightened his arm around me and slowly slid his hand in my pants. "Shawn what are you doing?" He shushed me and his hand kept creeping. His fingers slowly massages my clit and I bit my lip to keep my moans in. Jay leaned over to look at me then smirked. He slid a finger in my pussy and I gasped. "Let em out baby girl." I heard him groan in my ear. Well we already know how this night ended.

I nodded and looked down. "I was your first everything and in a way you are my first everything. First woman to fall in love with. The first woman I vowed to never leave. Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter, I love you. I'm not gonna leave you." Shawn said handing me the papers. "I don't make you happy anymore." I whispered in a shy tone. "Yes you do Bey."

I shook my head and took a step away from him. "No I don't. That's why you always hurt me. I don't bring out the best in you anymore." I cried with the papers in my hand. "Yes you do-" He whispered until I cut him off.

"Just tell me the truth for once Shawn!" I yelled crying with the papers in my hand. "I am." He argued back yelling louder than I've ever heard him. No one spoke for a good 10 minutes until I spoke up. "Do I bring out the Best in You?" For a moment it was like the world froze. The look on his face showed fear. What was he scared of? Shawn was never scared of anything or anyone so what has him scared now.

"Absolutely."