Gemstone Reviews [Closed for Catch up]

Review #45-Seize The Girl

Title: Seize the Girl

Author: Author: complexions

Rating: PG

Genre: Short Story

# of chapters: 6

# of chapters I read:  6

Blurb: 

❝call me a name, kill me with words. forget

about me, its what i deserve.❞

▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆

DRAFTS AND LETTERS

made at a time when both of them

were dying from an inventible

HEARTBREAK  

Review:

Cover:

The title reminded my of the phrase 'carpe diem', seize the moment, which I think was the intent. Since the story is a romance, then 'get the girl' makes sense. I really like the cover and how it fits with the structure you've decided to use for your story. This is exactly the type of cover I'd look for when writing diary entries/letter/etc., because since they're handwritten, they give you a sense of the personality of your protagonist. Just by  the drawn flower and butterfly on the front cover of a notebook I can tell that this belongs to a 'girly' girl.

But yeah, *thumbs up* for this.

Blurb:

I'll just make a list of the things I disliked:

—the fact that there's no capitalization other than the all-caps for emphasis. I don't find it artsy or 'alternative' it just wards me away as a reader.

—the black bar underneath the quote. Maybe it's because I'm looking at it from the website, rather than the mobile app, but because it's black and thick, it jumps out too much for me. Like, the first thing I saw when I looked at the blurb was the black line. If you want to separate the quote from the rest of the blurb, I suggest that you use a dash in between, or something less obtrusive.

—I'm not really told what to expect. I know that they're letters and that it has something to do with heartbreak, but that's about it. I'm not really told who's writing the letters, to whom, and the overall purpose of the letters.

—"were dying from an inventible heartbreak." I think you meant to say inevitable. 

Basically, I suggest you write a proper blurb—because it's a short story, even two-three sentences should suffice in giving us a run-down of what the reader is to expect from the letters, because as of now, it feels like it's just one big quote from the story.

First Impression:

I decided to just go ahead and read the whole thing since the chapters (letters) are short and easy to get through. I'm glad I didn't see any of that lowercase nonsense throughout the letters, otherwise I would've been more focused on the lack of capitalisation than the actual content of the work.

I'll admit that the letters were very heartfelt, they gave me this sense of nostalgia for when I used to read romance books. Your characters had distinct voices, and it was easy to differentiate between them. Conner came across as very remorseful, which is what you were aiming for, and of course, Aubrey was very pissed. As she should've been—it's really not that hard to be direct with someone, and I personally don't get how Conner didn't see how his behaviour was hurting her. Smh, boys.

But what I really wanted to comment on, and it's something that haunted me all throughout my reading, was the fact that everything was very vague. It honestly felt like a lot of the phrases were a little generic, like the type of stuff you have the male lead tell the female in movies. I found this to be the case mostly with Conner, it felt like he was recycling movie lines. Here are a few examples:

"I just can't do it anymore" (draft one)

"I'll just come back and break your heart." (draft one)

"But I'm trying to save you. I don't want to remember us." (draft two)

etc.

I read through the letters again, just to make sure that I wasn't missing anything, because I could apply these words to any situation. I wasn't really given a context, I wasn't given any sort of background into the relationship these characters had. 

Not so much their personal lives, which aren't the focus of these letters, but the relationship they had. How was it toxic? Why did he have to let go? What the heck happened? Those were the questions I asked myself all throughout the story, and they weren't really answered at the end. I was left with a sense of emptiness—there was closure, but there wasn't any sort of innuendo for the readers to grasp to. I know you'll be editing it soon, so my suggestion would be to make sure you put these letters more into context. Don't just focus on the present, but I need to know the why the relationship between Conner and Aubrey didn't work out. 

Really, that's my only suggestion.

Writing Style:

The grammar/punctuation were, for the most part, flawless, with only a couple of slip-ups happening every now and then. There was a basic employment of figurative language, but I felt like it matched the mood of the story—fancy metaphors and similes would've actually done more harm than good. You head-hopped in letter one, at the end, when Conner looks back mournfully at Aubrey, because you're writing in third-person limited. It's an example of telling, not showing, and it was unecessary, considering that the next chapter is dedicated to Conner and his feelings. So we're going to understand through his letter that he regrets what he's done, etc. There needs to be more variety in your sentence structure—almost every sentence in the letter began with "I [action]". Other than that, the writing flowed well, and it was an easy read, which I recommend for anyone who wants to catch the feels train for a couple of stops. 

Characters:

Conner— Male protagonist. Played by Lucky Blue Smith, one of the hottest teen male models at the moment. So you can imagine that this guy is handsome af, and has all the girls pining after him. At least, he isn't a douche—but he seems to have trouble expressing himself. He goes to the same school as the girl he loves (and broke her heart), and makes no effort in approaching her face-to-face to discuss their issues.

Aubrey—The female protagonist, the one who seemed to have been on the losing side of this relationship. I feel bad for her, but she seems to be a very bold character, unafraid to express her feelings.

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 6.5 

I've decided to give you this score, because I felt like what you currently have is the bare bones of a great story. Just make sure you have a strong background, so that the letters are placed into context.

Good luck!