Never Be (A 5 Seconds Of Summer Fan-Fiction)

Chapter 27

Riley's POV

It's been a few days after I found out about Ashtons' old ways. Six, I think, I'm not sure.

It's also been a few days since I've slept, eaten, or talked to anyone properly.

I refuse to sleep anymore. I'm tired as hell, but all I see when I drift off is nightmares. Nightmares make you scared. Nightmares make you think. I don't like being scared and I don't like thinking, especially about the things that make me scared.

I don't eat anymore because I'm simply not hungry. That's what I tell myself anyways. Or rather that's what the voice in my head tells me. Either way, I can't find the energy to eat.

We're back in the tour bus now. Most of the time, the guys aren't here. Most of the time, I'm alone. The voice in my head is great company though.

I find it difficult to will myself to do anything these days. Seemingly, my mental state keeps getting worse and worse every single day. But if I hide it behind a smile it isn't real, right? If I smile, I'm alright?

"Yes. Smiling means you're fine." The voice spoke, answering my inner monologue. "Now, go pretend you ate something, the rest should be getting back soon."

I did as she told me, I learned that if I followed her instructions, she wouldn't be mean, she wouldn't yell inside my head. After all, she knew what was best.

I climbed out of my bunk, and made my way into the small kitchen on the bus. I pulled out some food, and started to make a sandwich. After I was done, I looked at it for a few moments. Oh God, how I wanted to eat it, how I wanted to just stuff it into my mouth and swallow it.

But I can't.

I wrapped it into some tissue, and threw it into the rubbish bin.

"Good girl, you finished just in time too."

The first one to walk in was Michael. He gave me a tired wave and smile, then headed off to his bunk, seeming as it was getting late and I knew they were tired. Calum, who came in after, did the same. Then was Ashton, who didn't even look in my direction, and just headed off.

"He hates you."

"I know, thanks." I thought.

I sighed deeply and looked at the floor. I felt a presence near me and immediately knew that it was Luke.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Go sleep."

"We're going to a hotel now, I'll sleep there."

"Okay." I really didn't feel like talking to anyone and I was hoping that he would leave me alone. Luckily, he did.

Once he was no longer by my side, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in.

Soon, we would be back at a hotel. Soon, I'd have another night filled with drinking hot tea and trying not to wake Luke up with my constant moving, because I refuse to sleep.

I would always end up sharing a room with Luke. One time though, I was sharing with Michael. Luke stayed in the room all evening and Michael eventually got annoyed, took Luke's room key, told us to use protection and left.

That night, we didn't do anything that would involve using protection. Michael just said it because that's who he is. That night, Luke stayed up with me. We didn't necessarily talk about anything, just stayed silent most of the time and enjoyed each others company. But at around 4:30 in the morning, he fell asleep. And when he did, I noticed I was laying next to him and facing him. His left arm was draped loosely over my waist and his right was folded under his head. I spent the rest of that night hoping that I would go to sleep, but also afraid that I might. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night.