I Walk The Line (A Bucky Barnes Fanfiction)

Chapter 8

I wasn't allowed to see Winter for a few days after the failed mission. Apparently, they were completely resetting him.

Seeing him for the first time after everything that had happened... it made me furious. He was all bruised and beaten up. There were red patches on his temples where they electrocuted him. He couldn't keep his eyes nor mind focused for longer than a minute or two. His voice was raspy and weak. He couldn't even control his metal arm properly - it would freeze sometimes, or he'd break something unintentionally.

The first day that I saw him like that was also the first time in god knows how long that I cried. My eyes stung while I examined his injuries, but it wasn't until after he tried to speak that I broke down. I put my hand over my mouth to stop myself from letting out a loud sob. We just sat there. I was crying. Bucky was staring at the wall behind me. After a few minutes, he noticed and tried to wipe away my tears, but he couldn't even lift his arm enough.

After the initial shock and sadness, anger settled in. I wiped away my tears quickly. Bucky's eyes followed me lazily as I got up from my chair. I went to kneel in front of him, taking his hand in mine. "I'm gonna get you out of here, Buck. I promise", I whispered. He didn't seem to register my words. My anger just grew. I kissed his forehead and then left for the gym.

I'd always hated HYDRA. From the moment me and my team was captured, throughout the 6 years that I served them, I hated them all. But what I felt while I was kicking the punching bag, it was more than hatred. I'd never been so angry in my entire life. When Connor finally came to get me to go to lunch, my knuckles were bleeding heavily and the punching bag was covered with my blood.

------------

Eventually, I just stopped talking altogether. I just could not be bothered to waste my words, open my mouth, let out even a whisper. At first it was just during some meetings, then I spoke less and less with Connor. Actually, he would talk and I'd just nod. He tried asking what was wrong, but gave up after a few times.

The only time I'd actually speak was when I was with Winter. He was getting back to normal, but he still wasn't ready to know about his past.

A part of me was still trying to come up with an escape plan. But the other part was just numb. The nightmares got worse. Now, my best friends would get up after I'd shoot them and scream, and I would scream along until I woke up. After that I couldn't go back to sleep. I was exhausting myself with constant planning and training. After a few weeks I ended up in medical, where they injected me with some more super-serum so I could cope better. Nothing about actually trying to help me, getting me into therapy or giving me sleeping pills. But, it was HYDRA after all. I couldn't expect them to care.

They didn't see my constant training as a form of self-distruction. Thanks to the serum, my knuckles would heal quicker. I went on more missions, killed more people. Everybody thought I'd changed for the better. How sick is that?? How sick do you have to be to think that killing people would change a person for the better?

At that point, the only things keeping me alive were the super-serum and the determination to get out with Bucky. And I was gonna get out, by all means necessary. I didn't even know where we'd go. I wasn't sure if I could count on Natasha and her team. I couldn't rely on SHIELD anymore either, now that HYDRA had infiltrated almost every part of it. On top of all that, Fury was dead. I felt lost. All I knew is that we had to escape.